General Fan Fiction Discussion

[Antares]

To Gaiden1992's pitch:
This depends quite a lot on the length you've planned. You're clearly creating a more or less original concept of a universe, so you would need so time to explain things to allow the reader to work his/her way into the story. For example, how come Red Lightning enjoys such a dangerous monopoly and massive resources? Is it necessariyl a good idea to give the military arm of your government to a company? What is the working relationship between the government and Red Lightning?

Then, how do you define a despot? How benevolent are Red Lightning at the Conglomerate in their rule? I suggest you change the 8th Legion to something else, it strikes a little too close to 08th Team. So you see, there are a lot of questions that you can deal with, if you like. You should if you want to make a plausible universe. Not all at once, obviously, but have some plan of breaking the reader into these new surroundings.

What sort of mechas are we talking about? Starship Troopers -type (the book, not the movie) or Mechwarrior or Gundam -type or what? That, I think, is your easiest way to leave the vulnerable. Maybe they overheat easily. Maybe they have not been originally configured as well as they should have been (internal strife between govt. and Red Light or within Red Light. R&D department in the background) to use in the environment of the planet. Plus good old unsymmetric war (i.e. guerrilla warfare) is not best fought with tanks, which would make the mechas theoretically quite vulnerable to locals who know the lay of the land to ambush them, slowly but surely bogging them down.

[Gaiden1992]

Red Lightning's vast resources come from many sources actually. The funds paid to Red Lightning via the Sword and Shield Act were used to fund early colonization efforts. Most colonies in the first century after humanity's forray into space was funded by either Red Lightning or one of their subsidiaries. These funds were then put into weapons development, giving Red Lightning the technological advantage over any other force. With technology progressing so rapidly, RL also sells its old arms to the defense forces of both the UC and colonized planets.

Actually, its funny you'd ask whether or not the UC was okay with Red Lightning holding so much power. In 2420 when Red Lightning annouced the reformation of its forces into ten Legions, the UC ordered RL to stop its military buildup. When RL refused, the UC defense forces tried to use force, but by then RL had enough forces to destroy the UC forces ten times over. RL then removed the UC delegates from power and held "elections" the following year. No surprise the new delegates were pro-RL. The new government has its old power, but Red Lightning's Board of Directors holds the right to veto anything they find troubling.

I know its not Candyland, but hey...I wasn't going for a perfect universe.

RL's definition of a despot is anyone who comes to power (by force or election) and tries to upset the balance RL has made. RL aren't Nazis by any means. Their main goal is to maintain order in the UC so their business can flow. The only thing RL is serious about is the tech level. Red Lightning is clssified as a Level 5 technological power. Planetary defence forces are allowed Level 3 status, while Accepted Partners (Subsidiary PMCs) are allowed Level 4 technology. Breaking the technology level warrants immidiate action from one of Red Lightning's Legions.

As for the 8th Legion, I understand. I've always called it the 8th Legion, but it is subject to change. The mechs are around mobile suit height, so imagine Zakus or GMs in terms of firepower, not the RX-78. Early on, the Experimental Division is going to have a fair amount of problems. This is the first time mechs have been used in battle, and the machines are unfamiliar and prone to bugs and malfunctioning. Their tactics also leave something to be desired, going up against conventional armored forces in open territory.

The thing is, how to have them turn the setback I'm planning around. I was thinking having the Marshal send them into the mountains to fight some phantom enemy, and they are isolated from the main force when the despot counterattacks. The mech division then leads a guerilla campaign against the enemy forces from the mountains. How's that sound?

[Mr. Hanekoma]

I was thinking having the Marshal send them into the mountains to fight some phantom enemy, and they are isolated from the main force when the despot counterattacks. The mech division then leads a guerilla campaign against the enemy forces from the mountains. How's that sound?

The main problem I see with this idea is that if you've got an entire force of 60-70 foot mecha hiding in the mountains, they won't be hard to detect. From what I've inferred from reading your ideas, it seems like the Dominous is a heavy, unagile thing (as it should be if its the first mech ever) and if it is as big as you say, it wouldn't be too terribly difficult to locate them and bomb them into submission.

I would suggest making the mechs smaller, probably Armored Core sized if you want to be plausible (that's about twenty feet, IIRC). The main thing we need to know about the mechs is how well they perform. If my assumptions are correct and they are big, unweildy things, the 8th Legion is going to have a much harder time conducting a hit-and-run guerilla war than if the mechas were more advanced and built for speed and agility.

[Gaiden1992]

Are cores really that much smaller than mobile suits? I need to do some more research then. I envisioned the Dominus as about as tall your everyday two story house. I actually plan to make a franken of the Dominus. I have done the Dominus' evolution, the Rex...the first of the Neo line(the Dominus being of the Regular line).

Also, what I forgot to mention, is that the Mech Division is also given unmanned units, which are more battle-tested, to assist them. There are two types of UAVs, the spiders and the wolves. The spiders are a tachinoma-esque machine with four legs with built in machine guns, with missile launchers on the back. They have wheels for quick-motion that retract for walking on tough terrain. The spiders are also equipped with thrusters in order for greater land speed (the legs retracting into the body for a hovercraft-esque thing). The wolves, on the other hand, are like the geckos from MGS4. The synthetic muscle in the legs gives the wolf superb agility and its able to jump great distances. It is armed with a personal machinegun, an autocannon, and launcher tubes.

[Mr. Hanekoma]

Well, the UAVs would help. However, considering the synthetic muscles in the wolves, couldn't that technology be applied to the Dominus and other Regulars? Or is it too difficult for control by humans? Maybe its just restricted to Neo models, like the Rex?

Speaking of which, what exactly is the difference between the Regulars and the Neos. I assume the Neos are more powerful/better performing, but what makes them that way?

[Nagato21]

Some you remember I posted recently an idea for an alternate UC fanfiction.
The story picks up three years after the OYW during 0083 and with some major changes.
The first one is Char Aznable not going to Axis and instead returns secretly to Side 3 under his real name Casval Daikun and becomes the Vice Minister of the Republic of Zeon.
The setting is that after the war, many terrorist organisations have began to pop up and wreak havoc in the Earth Sphere, the Federation uses the situation as a pretext to increase their military and become increasily totalitarian against the colonies. Because of that Char creates an organisation name CURSO similar to Zeta's AEUG to protect the colonies against terrorism and slowly makes them autonomous. There actions are more covert than the AEUG because of the risk of another war.
The second major change is General Revil from the original serie survives the Colony laser shot, along with Blex he leads the sympatethic side of the Federation. They form the SOWT group, a sort of special anti terrorist taskforce (imagine Rainbow Six but with Mobile Suits). SOWT is compose of veteran soldiers from both the Federation and Zeon such as Terry Sanders from 08th MS team, Matt Healy and his team from Lost War Chronicles, Yuu Kajima from Blue Destiny and some Zeon veterans (haven't finish deciding who yet) On CURSO side you have, Jhonny Ridden, the Midnight Fenrir and some members of the Zeon Foreign Legion.
The plot is that the existence of the GP02 is reveal to the Zeon remnant, Delaz conceive Operation Stardust with a few twist a secret faction of the Federation learns about the plan and attempt to use it for their own sake.

I thought about making two self contained story that ties in the first arc of 0083: one with Midnight Fenrir in Australia and then SOWT in Africa, but the problem is that I don't know how to bring the Midnight Fenrir into the story. I have thought of various ideas but having them fight the Feds and Gato at the same time while explaning their reasons for fighting their own comrade is complicated, any smart suggestions ?

[Gaiden1992]

Well, the main difference in the Neo and Regular lines in the control system. I'm not sure if you've seen the post I made on the Technology sub-forum, but Neos are controlled by neural signals from the body, rather than the old joystick and footpedals we're used to from Gundam. The imput from the Mech Division here was also used ini the development of the Neo line, which in this story, is in baby stages.

The synthetic muscles for the wolves is a fairly recent technolgy and while it does give a unit unparalleled agility, it is susceptible to heavy weapons fire. The muscle at this stage cannont handle much extra weight in terms of armor, and in the case of the Dominus, protection was deemed more important than mobility.

[Antares]

@ Nagato21:
The old adage that one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist might help you here. There might be some Zeons who think that whatever has happened, ramming another colony to Earth is not the legacy they want to leave behind, and find themselves betrayed that the Axis would actually play along with Delaz. Or something. I am a little unfamiliar with all the UC sidestories you're trying to tie in.

@ Gaiden1992:
Don't make the mechs a guerrilla force, that simply doesn't work. Too much resources (fuel, ammo) or maintenance to be done, especially if they've previously had their butts handed to them. A change of tactics would be something more feasible; instead of doing X they are now doing Y. Inclusion of anti-infantry weaponry for one might have been overlooked when RL just wanted a huge hunk of metal that shot stuff to bill it to the UC government.

The political intrigue of your world works out well, although the UC govt. was rather inept if they allowed a company to overtake them in armaments. It's a bit of a stretch but not wholly implausible. It would also then follow that the UC clamps down on dissidents with an iron fist; RL company revenue is at risk. You could play that in too, how the previous CO of the mecha platoon thought like a CEO, and having him replaced helped the mecha pilots to think like soldiers.

However, a few other things, tech-wise that I suggest you review: 1) If you already have unmanned mecha units, then you need to make a convincing argument why piloted mechas would be that much better. AI tends to be more reliable, even if a little more unimaginative, than humans, and more cost-effective since the same bit of code can be used for countless CPUs, while humans needs training and upkeep. 2) Your story is going for the development of mecha and their first deployment, so I suggest dropping any other ideas than direct interface for the moment. Body/mind control is so far down the line that you should drop it from your first story at least (you can mention it as their eventual goal). You don't want a tech-tree of CE fame.

[Gaiden1992]

Well yeah, I was just mentioning the Neo line, I have no intention of the mechs in my story being piloted in such a way. At the end I might foreshadow the production of the Rex, but that would be it.

As for how the mechs would prosper after their defeats, I was hoping I could get a little input from you guys about how it would play out. First, I'll list their defeats.

The first happens during their first engagement. The Mech Division is sent planetside in drop pods, and lets just say, things don't go well. Almost half of the pods, originally suited for tanks and hastily modified to transport mechs, crash into the surface, killing the pilots. The heat from re-entry also compromises the joints and balance systems of the units that do survive, due to improper heat shielding. Some units that make into to the planet's surface are crippled from landing, while the rest have trouble moving due to their balance systems. The rest try and engage the enemy force they were sent to destroy, but the mech's targeting systems are also shown to be buggy and ineffective. They are saved by an advancing RL armored force, but it is discovered that out of 40 machines, only 18 remain.

The second screw-up is not a battle per say. The Division is ordered to pass through a desert to begin a diversionary assault on an enemy base. Long story shot, the mechs break down in the sandy conditions, and have to be extracted by the force they were supposed to be the vanguard for.

So how should I turn their luck around, they have to be sent to some isolated portion of the combat region, so they are untouched by the enemy counter-offensive. I would appreciate any input.

As for the whole AI/Human thing, its more of an ideological thing than technological. While the RL board of directors are businessmen, the military brass (the ones who actually command the troops) refuse to let machines take the place of the common soldier.

[ShadowCell]

@Nagato21:

I'd advise being careful about packing the cast full of all-stars. Yuu Kajima, Terry Sanders, Johnny Ridden, the Midnight Fenrir, etc all had their own stories and developments surrounding them and they're all inevitably going to compete for attention if they're all thrown together. Even if they're all AU versions now and you alter their backstories during the One Year War, the reader will probably expect a lot out of them.

[Commissar Bright Noa]

I've been thinking about rewriting the second half of Destiny so if you guys would critique, I would be thankful. My idea is to change 34 on and also change Stargazer and Astray Destiny. The premise is that during the Kira and Shinn fight, Athrun flies Rey's Zaku (which is still damaged) and stops Shinn from killing Kira. Instead, Kira gets captured by the Minerva and is then taken to Durandal and afterwhile (I'll explain in detail if need be later) becomes Durandal's right hand man. The Archangel still makes it out but with the help of Sai in the Out Frame. Sai then tells the Archangel crew that he's a member of the Orb resistance and the Archangel joins as well. Later (after Heaven's Base and other operations by ZAFT, also Kira's out of the Minerva's Brig and into PLANT by now) the Archangel along with Orb Resistance try and take back Orb but are hindered by EA forces. After much debate amongst the command, the Minerva along with a small ZAFT fleet help in the fight against Orb. Also, LOGOS turns out to be only a small part of a big organization that's been pulling the strings of the Earth Alliance and PLANT alike in this war (They're the ones who tried to kill Lacus and started the Junius Seven drop).

Now I don't have a name for the organization yet and I don't have everything together yet and I also have some other ideas but they aren't Coherent/put together enough. I'm also thinking that some of the things that happened in the show will happen but differently and they're might be somethings that'll be the same as the show.

[Imperial]

If I might critique your idea, Commissar, there are a few flaws worth pointing out.

How is it that Durandal brings Kira over to his side? What could he possibly say that sways him from Team Lacus? Those two see eye-to-eye and may be more than just friends, depending on who you read their relationship. They've been through a lot together. It's not a bond that's easily broken.

This mystery organization seems largely unnecessary. In fact, it feels like the only reason they really exist is create a to big, shadowy villain that takes the evil off of Durandal. LOGOS was already the puppet master of Blue Cosmos, which had already infested the Earth Alliance. Taking things even further up the food chain is a bit silly. The world government is being bossed around by a powerful cabal. Who's holding the cabal's leash? The Illuminati? Maybe it's just me, but I think the whole conspiracy bit can only go so deep before it starts to look silly. How many dummy fronts and fake-out villains are there?

As for the whole Orb thing, you would have to be careful in how you did that. Sai swining in out of nowhere with a bad ass mobile suit wreaks of plot device, but let's put that aside for a moment. How does the resistance bring a ZAFT unit into the fray? Wouldn't these people hesitate to work with the Archangel, which is probably seen as little more than a terrorist cell by ZAFT at large?

You might actually be able to wind some of these ideas together in Durandal forging a shaky alliance with the Orb rebels (possibly through Kira) to overthrow the Alliance-backed Seiran family and install a pro-ZAFT government, but even that has its flaws. It's too easy to fall into a Good vs Evil slant at that point, with vindicated Durandal working alongside the Archangel friends to defeat those nasty schemers behind LOGOS. There's nothing to stop you from doing that, but it would probably gut the story of a lot of drama as it becomes another case of Lacus and Friends conquer the world.

[Commissar Bright Noa]

If I might critique your idea, Commissar, there are a few flaws worth pointing out.

How is it that Durandal brings Kira over to his side? What could he possibly say that sways him from Team Lacus? Those two see eye-to-eye and may be more than just friends, depending on who you read their relationship. They've been through a lot together. It's not a bond that's easily broken.
Now I could use help on what to do with Lacus but my thoughts on how Kira gets swayed over to Durandal are that Durandal shows Kira the flaws in how he wants to solve wars and that the way he disables people actually killed more than he would of if he hadn't interfered. (Confusion, people being trapped and are killed due to the inability to defend themselves, Kira disabling units in space and they die from lack of air, mechanical failure that leads to the pilots death.)
This mystery organization seems largely unnecessary. In fact, it feels like the only reason they really exist is create a to big, shadowy villain that takes the evil off of Durandal. LOGOS was already the puppet master of Blue Cosmos, which had already infested the Earth Alliance. Taking things even further up the food chain is a bit silly. The world government is being bossed around by a powerful cabal. Who's holding the cabal's leash? The Illuminati? Maybe it's just me, but I think the whole conspiracy bit can only go so deep before it starts to look silly. How many dummy fronts and fake-out villains are there?
How about making LOGOS more sinister than Blue Cosmos 2? How about having LOGOS be a organization that pulls everyone's strings like I was thinking about? The only problem with that is that I'll have to start at episode 33. I deal with what I want to do with Durandal in PMs because it'd be lame to have the story all on here without the story being written.
As for the whole Orb thing, you would have to be careful in how you did that. Sai swining in out of nowhere with a bad ass mobile suit wreaks of plot device, but let's put that aside for a moment. How does the resistance bring a ZAFT unit into the fray? Wouldn't these people hesitate to work with the Archangel, which is probably seen as little more than a terrorist cell by ZAFT at large?
[color=#40FF000]I'm thinking I'll just take him out of the picture all together and save him for later. Maybe it'll be Ledonir Kisaka (Cagali's bodyguard/captain of the Kusanagi) who gets the Archangel into the fight. The thing about having ZAFT in the fray would be Athrun would try and convince Gladys to get the Minerva to help support the rebels. I think that Durandal would want some extra support for his plans and having Orb helping him would be perfect.[/color]
You might actually be able to wind some of these ideas together in Durandal forging a shaky alliance with the Orb rebels (possibly through Kira) to overthrow the Alliance-backed Seiran family and install a pro-ZAFT government, but even that has its flaws. It's too easy to fall into a Good vs Evil slant at that point, with vindicated Durandal working alongside the Archangel friends to defeat those nasty schemers behind LOGOS. There's nothing to stop you from doing that, but it would probably gut the story of a lot of drama as it becomes another case of Lacus and Friends conquer the world.I hope to have a big three or four sided ending with at least three of the sides not be entirely evil. I don't think that I can make the Earth Alliance have a noble cause to fight for (Mostly because I don't want to end it with big superdeathweapon at Earth.)

I'll go into more detail in PMs if you'd help me out.

EDIT: The green font turned out rather nicely. Also, I wrote this response four times so if there's somethings I didn't answer, tell me.

[Gaiden1992]

The first part of my story is up. It's called Dawn of the Metal Giants. Unfortunately, no mech combat yet, but I'm working on the next part, so hopefully it will be up soon.

Please comment and let me know what you think.

[ShadowCell]

You don't need to use this thread to announce updates.

[Strike Wing]

The year is the New Constellation Century, (N.C.C.) 109. Earth's main, superpowered countries are now united under one goverment known as, the World Sphere Federation. They protect their citizens from the threat of other Mobile Weapons used by Independant Countries. Any sect found possesing Mobile Weapons is charged and... punished by W.S.F. Forces, under Federation Law which states: Only World Sphere Forces are permitted to have for the security and safety of the planet and its people.

Unsettled by the Federation's radical acts of their so called "punishment", a secret organization known only as "HIKARI" (Light), send in their last hopes for freeing the planet from the firm, unrelenting grip of the World Sphere Federtion.

Freedom is the right of all... and HIKARI will reveal that right.

Mobile Warrior G U N D A M - S

[Mr. Hanekoma]

Uh, yeah, that sounds an awful lot like 00 Season 2.

[Strike Wing]

Uh, yeah, that sounds an awful lot like 00 Season 2.

It is inspired by both Gundam 00 and Gundam Wing and I knew there would be similarities regardless. But hopefully the full story will end up being a good read nonetheless.

[Strike Wing]

TRAILER...

Sitting upon the edge of a cliff with his back against a rotted tree, a young man of twenty looked out towards the snowy mountain tops with the orangey-red sun beginning to set. There was a rumble among the clouds as they started to turn dark; a few flashes of lighting illuminated them in quick bursts.

He zipped up his dark red, leather jacket and stood up. Picking up a long, rectangular black guitar case that laid beside him, he then started to head down a small, dirt path through the caverns of the stone formation. Somehow the feeling of danger crept up on the young man, forcing him to look around and move cautiously. Reaching into his right, jeans pocket, he found what he was looking for and pulled out a thin, red stick and pressed the small, silver, triangle button in the center lighting up the tip.

Suddenly two angled, triangular red eyes lit up a few meters up ahead, followed by a powering up sound and the whining of motors coming to life. Then soon after, a narrow ramp lowered and clanked as it hit the stone ground. Its steps were lit up with red lines.

Running his fingers through his long, brown hair he looked back at the setting sun for a moment, watching it finally disappear behind the mountains. A few rain drops struck his face, causing him to look up towards the darkening, cloud covered night sky. It appeared ominous and felt that way too as another bolt whizzed across the sky.

“I feel it… they’re coming,” he said closing his eyes for a moment then opened them again, turned and headed up the ramp into an open hatch. In the center at the back was a grey chair with unfastened, black seat belts. Keyboards, blinking lights and switches lined the sides just under large, square screens. They illuminated the interior of the cockpit enough to see, but the images were that of the dark, cold, cavern walls. He put the guitar case behind the seat and then sat down, buckling the belts and gripped the dual joysticks at the end of the chair arms.

Flipping a switch closed up the ramp and brought down another screen with a keyboard popping out. Punching in a few commands the screen came to life, showing the exit to the cavern, followed by the Heads-Up Display relaying data from the sensor grid about the surrounding area, weapon load out and power output.

Outside, dust began rising off the ground as the thrusters started up with a whine. Light started blinking from inside the booster nozzles, then suddenly white-ish, blue flame erupted in a blaze, forcing a dust cloud to rise all round and the giant machine stood up and lifted off the ground into the sky. Slowly the giant robot turned a hundred-and-eight degrees. A bolt of lightning danced through the clouds, illuminating the mainly crimson, sleek, humanoid frame before there was a bright burst from its thrusters, disappearing in the distance.


Mobile Warrior
G U N D A M – S

[ZeroBusterXX]

Do you mean that he span 180 degrees? Because 108 seems like a weird number to have.