Good Lord, all that in a week? I feel bad now.
Mr. Hanekoma wrote:The thing that really makes me like Twilight is the fact that you did not give Emily her own uber Gundam, and instead have her piloting a Destiny built out of spare parts. I hate it when authors cram dozens of poorly thought-out (and usually crudely drawn) original designs into fanfiction.
I guess this is the part where I mention all the poorly thought-out and crudely drawn original designs that show up in "ETERNITY," huh?
I suppose to be fair, they're mostly prototypes that are meant to level the playing field, but still... =P
There are a few things I have problems with, though they do not subtract from the story too terribly much. While necessary, I don't see the point of giving the Druggies a six chapter long side story when they don't ever appear again (at least so far). I like that you gave them their own story, but surely you could've told the same story in half the time, right?
I gave the druggies six chapters precisely so that I could shuffle them off to Jupiter and get them out of the way, and that was for several reasons. For one, I wanted
somebody to have a happy ending, among all the characters who died and all the survivors who just wish they had died. For another, although for a while I toyed with the idea of having them join the Junk Guild, I decided against it because I thought the cast was already crowded. Looking back, I think I underutilized a lot of characters (like Yzak, Rey, and Dullindal), and throwing in another three would probably have only made that worse.
Kira's seduction by Valentine seemed a little strange to me. It was well done, Kira just doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would do that. He always struck me more as a chaste hero than anything, and IMO Fllay's death would have only made him stick to that. Though, considering the emotionally unstable wreck you've turned him into (which I love), and nothing he does surprises me anymore.
I was going off the basis of Kira in the first half or so of
SEED, where he was much more unstable and vulnerable to manipulation. The Kira from the first half of
SEED strikes me as a completely different person from the Kira of the second half of
SEED, and although at least Second Half Kira wasn't crying all the time, it seems like a pretty wild jump to me. So when he broke down in Lacus's arms after Rau revealed to him the circumstances of his birth, I saw it as the old vulnerable and emotional Kira making a comeback. Unfortunately, the last few episodes of
SEED then jump ahead a few months to skip over the process of the Earth Alliance recapturing territories from ZAFT, so they kind of write Kira's troubles into the background. If I were doing that story over again, I'd probably go about Kira's fall from grace differently, but, oh well.
The Gundamjack of the Destiny and the other upgrades seemed a bit far-fetched, mainly Shinn flying into the Minerva to steal the Destiny. Everything blends together after a marathon, so I can't remember exactly if Shinn knew about the Destiny being there, but if he did then nevermind.
Shinn and Co caught sight of them while they were being transferred to the
Minerva, so they knew they were there. Although that's another thing I'd probably do differently if I could, at the same time it seemed like having Shinn just stumble into a hangar that just so happened to have a super-advanced prototype sitting there unattended was even more far-fetched.
As for how the last chapter of "TWILIGHT" ended, I'll add that to the list of things that need revising in the editing phase. I think I foreshadowed it in one scene, where Wellington said that some of his men were conducting maneuvers in the area, but it's probably easily forgotten.
