"ITS NEVER TOLLE!!!"
A Typical Episode of Gundam Seed Destiny
This fic rocks. The best part was the Yazk and Dearka exchange. It's amazing that you kept everyone's in character ! Looking forward to a sequal, if/when you make one.
P.S. - Sigged my favourite part, hope you don't mind.
! Looking forward to a sequal, if/when you make one.P.S. - Sigged my favourite part, hope you don't mind.
DEARKA: (Interrupts with a laugh) Calm down, Yzak.
YZAK: (Angry) That’s what you always **** say!
DEARKA: (Laughs) I guess I do always say that.
YZAK: (Angry) That’s what you always **** say!
DEARKA: (Laughs) I guess I do always say that.
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Anonymous
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Thundermuffin
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Wow, I didn't expect to get this much good feedback. Thanks, everyone.
I guess I'm more clever than I thought.
I'll speed up production on the sequel.
I'm basically playing pretty loose with the continuity of the show, but the Destroy, Destiny, and Legend show up in the next bit. And Shinn learns what happens when you stick a giant beam sword in a nuclear reactor from two feet away.
I guess I'm more clever than I thought.
I'll speed up production on the sequel.
I'm basically playing pretty loose with the continuity of the show, but the Destroy, Destiny, and Legend show up in the next bit. And Shinn learns what happens when you stick a giant beam sword in a nuclear reactor from two feet away.
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Anonymous
Let me guess.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Shinn, shoving his Impulse's ASS into the Freedoms torso, realizes all too late the dangers that nuclear fission poses, though through some unforeseen power no less than that used to circumvent all possible rational outcomes in Star Trek, manages to survive unaffected, though the Impulse through some means of Japanese Radiation=Supercharge knowledge, digivolves into the Destiny!
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This is just a rough guess, so in the 99.98% chance that I'm wrong, you may use any and all of that.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Shinn, shoving his Impulse's ASS into the Freedoms torso, realizes all too late the dangers that nuclear fission poses, though through some unforeseen power no less than that used to circumvent all possible rational outcomes in Star Trek, manages to survive unaffected, though the Impulse through some means of Japanese Radiation=Supercharge knowledge, digivolves into the Destiny!
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This is just a rough guess, so in the 99.98% chance that I'm wrong, you may use any and all of that.
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Draco Starcloud
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Awesome fic. I especially liked Kira's line to Athrun when he rejoined the party.
Solomon Grundy want pants too.Camille Vidan wrote:Aw, i thought it's Solomon Grundy.
Draco's Lair - Latest Update: 1/9/10Chris wrote:IMMA CHARGIN MAH MAHQ @_@
I dont think Ive laughed this hard in a while. You are indeed a god. You simply must write more.
Mecha Gaming Forum A place for mecha friends.
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Cardi Doorl
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Ha! And I thought I was the only one who still referenced that!Draco Starcloud wrote:Solomon Grundy want pants too.Camille Vidan wrote:Aw, i thought it's Solomon Grundy.
But I'm surprised so many people didn't connect "Stellar Smash!" to the Hulk!
Really, I didn't know so amny people were unaware of what I thought was as familiar a line as, say, Spiderman observing that his spider-sense is tingling.RPG TRINARY: Gaia
Die Anti-brutale Kraft: Cardi Doorl
Make sure to check out the RPG section!
Die Anti-brutale Kraft: Cardi Doorl
Make sure to check out the RPG section!
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Anonymous
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Thundermuffin
- Posts: 654
- Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:16 pm
- Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
The Typical Gundam Seed Destiny Episode # 2
“Choices, Poor and Uh, More Poor”
Or
“Cop-Out Kill Extravaganza!”
(Open up in some mysterious ZAFT hangar place on Earth. Chairman Durandal leads Shinn, Rey, and Athrun onto the catwalk of the hangar. If you’re wondering why Athrun is here despite being with the Archangel crew last episode, the answer is as simple as it is obvious- he switched sides again.)
DURANDAL: Well, you boys did a bang-up job recently, so I have some new stuff to give you.
SHINN: Yes, we did a bang-up job. I am recalling it right now as we speak.
(Flashback. We’re in the mess hall of the Archangel. Athrun walks up to Kira, who is sitting down at a table.)
ATHRUN: Kira, did you drink the last of my Sunny D?
KIRA: Well, yes, but I thought it was for everyone.
ATHRUN: You SON OF A BITCH! That’s it!
(Cut to the Savior flying away from the Archangel with Athrun piloting it.)
ATHRUN: “Best friends forever”, yeah right. About time I switched sides again.
(Freedom suddenly shows up flying after Savior.)
KIRA: Wait, Athrun! Cagalli is crying now because you left!
ATHRUN: When does she NOT cry, I mean seriously?
(Suddenly, the Minerva is seen approaching the two mobile suits. Cut to the bridge.)
MEYRIN: Ma’am, it appears Savior is being pursued by Freedom.
TALIA: Well, Athrun did change to their side, but then again, he does have super-cool blue hair. Let’s help him! Tell Shinn to launch!
(In the Minerva’s hangar, Force Impulse prepares to launch.)
SHINN: I’ve been running battle simulations non-stop and this time, for sure, I’m gonna take Freedom down! Don’t worry, Stellar, I’ll pay that bastard back for killing you!
(Stellar’s ghost appears next to Shinn.)
STELLAR’S GHOST: (Sighs) Shinn, playing “Virtual On” doesn’t count as running battle simulations.
SHINN: Not now, ghost of Stellar. I have to focus on avenging you!
STELLAR’S GHOST: No really, you don’t have to-
SHINN: Shinn Asuka, revenge ahoy!
(Impulse takes off. Stellar’s ghost lingers in the hangar for a few seconds longer.)
STELLAR’S GHOST: (Sighs) Yeah, this’ll end well.
(Meanwhile, Savior turns and shoots at Freedom.)
ATHRUN: I’m serious, Kira! Back off!
KIRA: Oh so now you wanna fight, huh?
(Freedom pulls out its beam sabers and cuts off both of Savior’s arms.)
ATHRUN: That’s…that’s not fair! I was distracted! I was having my one-hundred and sixteenth flashback of you killing Nicol at that precise moment!
KIRA: Ahhhhhh, go regress some more as a character, ya fucker.
(Freedom blasts Savior’s remains with its rail guns, sending the wrecked suit into the ocean.)
KIRA: And oh yeah; thanks for the robot bird toy.
(Suddenly, Kira notices Impulse approaching.)
SHINN: Freeeeedommm!!! My vengeance is on hand!
KIRA: “At” hand.
SHINN: QUIET!
(Freedom aims its beam rifle to shoot out Impulse’s main camera, but Shinn skillfully dodges the blast by having Impulse’s head lean slightly to the side.)
KIRA: What the-?
(Freedom fires again; this time at Impulse’s arms, but Shinn again manages to avoid the shot using his newly acquired mad skillz.)
KIRA: It didn’t get hit? What happened to my infallible accuracy?
MURRUE: (Over communications channel) Infallible accuracy?? I thought you just usually shot all your weapons at random and they just happened to hit stuff.
KIRA: What do you think this is; a cartoon?
SHINN: You can’t escape this time, Freeeeedommmmm!
KIRA: God, stop saying it like that!
(Freedom brandishes a beam saber and swings at Impulse, cutting off its beam rifle arm and head as the suit passes by.)
KIRA: Ah, finally. I hit something without using Freedom’s EZ-targeting system. Statistically, it should happen at least once in this series.
SHINN: Minerva! Send me a new chest flyer and the Sword Silhouette!
MEYRIN: (Over communications channel) If you love the Sword Silhouette so much, why don’t you marry it?
SHINN: Just do it, Luna’s sister!
(As the Sword Silhouette launches from the Minerva, Impulse appears to fall apart in midair as the Core Splendor detaches from the chest flyer.)
KIRA: What the-?
(Impulse re-assembles with a new chest flyer into Sword Silhouette mode.)
KIRA: I call HAX on that!
SHINN: You killed Stellar!
KIRA: What’s a “Stellar?”
SHINN: Even when I told you not to!
KIRA: Look, dude, you are making no sense and as the main character of this show, I’m going to have to win now, soooooo…
(Freedom goes into full-burst mode and fires on the approaching Impulse. The blasts appear to hit something.)
KIRA: And that’s the end of that chapter. Hey, waitasec!
(Freedom’s blasts had apparently only hit Impulse’s shield; Shinn managed to boost out of the way and now is flying directly at Freedom with its big twin Excalibur sword thingamajig pointed straight ahead.)
SHINN: Who’s the main character now, bitch?
(Impulse impales Freedom straight through the torso. Kira has a shocked expression on his face, as opposed to the vacant stare he usually sports.)
KIRA: Oh…snap!
(Freedom EXPLODES into a million pieces. No one could possibly survive. On the bridge of the Archangel, Murrue leans forward in shock, causing a mini-earthquake on her chest.)
MURRUE: Oh no! Kira-kun!
(When the smoke clears, Impulse is seen floating there, melted-to-hell but still active.)
SHINN: (Teary-eyed) I did it, Stellar! Now I can finally progress as a character! Yessiree, things are gonna be different from this point in the series on!
(Cut to the Archangel’s sick bay some time later. Kira Yamato lies in bed, banged up a bit, but still very much alive. Lacus sits at his side, and Neo/Mu and Murrue stand over them. For some reason, Neo/Mu is still wearing his mask.)
KIRA: (Wakes up) Ugh, what? I survived?
MURRUE: Yeah.
KIRA: Huh.
MURRUE: Yeah.
KIRA: Cause I coulda sworn…
MURRUE: Don’t question it.
KIRA: But…
NEO/MU: Seriously, kid. Don’t ask questions. I moved on, so can you.
(Lacus gets all teary-eyed. She breaks down and hugs Kira.)
LACUS: Oh, Kira! I thought you were gone forever!
KIRA: (Confused) I thought you were locked up in the brig.
LACUS: I’m sorry I was upset with you, Kira. I realize that you’re under a lot of stress being the main character and what not, and you said things you didn’t mean.
KIRA: Uh, right. That’s it.
(Kira looks to Neo/Mu.)
KIRA: Hey, why are you still wearing that mask if you remember who you are now?
NEO/MU: Because it fucks with people’s heads. They’re all like “Oh man, why is that dude wearing a mask?” and I’m all like “Because I’m such a stone-cold badass is why, punk!”
KIRA: Wow, that’s pretty neat. I thought it’d be some lame reason, like hiding your identity from the people who may have killed your father so you can jump out at them one day and remove the mask, and be all like “Ha-HAH! It was me all along!”
NEO/MU: That would just be silly.
(Murrue notes the longing expression on Lacus’ face, then grabs Neo/Mu’s arm.)
MURRUE: Let’s let the kids be alone for awhile, huh?
KIRA: Uh, no really, I like the company.
LACUS: (Beaming) Thank you, Murrue-san!
(Neo/Mu nudges Kira with his elbow.)
NEO/MU: Good luck, kid.
KIRA: Wait, don’t leave-
(Murrue and Neo/Mu leave the sickbay, leaving Lacus and Kira alone.)
LACUS: (Blushes) We’re all alone now, Kira.
KIRA: (Rubs his head) Uh, yeah, about that.
LACUS: (Pleading) Please, Kira, tell me what I can do to make you happy!
(Kira looks pensive. He thinks for a few seconds.)
KIRA: Well, okay.
(Kira reaches under the bed and pulls out a red wig.)
KIRA: Can you wear this and call me “Coordinator scum!”?
LACUS: …
(Cut to outside the sickbay, where we hear ferocious screaming and Kira yelling.)
KIRA: (Muffled) AGH! She’s gone all Allenby on me again! Help me! HELP!
LACUS: RAGHHHHH!!!! KILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOU!!!!!
(End flashback. Yeah, remember? This was all a flashback. Seriously, look at the beginning of the story, you’ll see. We’re back in the mysterious ZAFT hangar with Durandal, Shinn, Athrun, and Rey standing on a walkway.)
SHINN: And that’s how we did a bang-up job.
DURANDAL: Wow. I’m especially impressed how you recalled stuff that didn’t even happen to you.
SHINN: (Shrugs) Yeah, it is crazy shit.
DURANDAL: And then you guys rescued Athrun from the ocean?
REY: Rescued him like a drowning kitten.
SHINN: (Laughs) Yeah, he was all “Save me! Save me! I’m in FAITH!”
DURANDAL: (Turns to Athrun and laughs) Man, I used to think you were cool.
(Rey shoves Athrun, who has a sullen look on his face.)
REY: The chairman is talking to you!
(Athrun turns and glares at Rey, then continues looking sullen and indecisive about whether to hit Rey back or just continue being indecisive and broody, and also sullen.)
DURANDAL: In any case, I’ve got some new suits for you and Shinn.
(The lights come on in the hangar, revealing Destiny and Legend. Shinn starts breathing really loud and obnoxiously, like a fat seven-year-old who’s had too much caffeine.)
DURANDAL: This Destiny Gundam here kicks all manner of ass. It will be your new unit, Shinn.
(Shinn can’t contain his excitement anymore. He throws up his arms and screams.)
SHINN: AGGGGGHHHHH!!! NINTENDO 64!!! I-I mean, DESTINY GUNDAM!!!
REY: Calm down, Shinn, you know what happens when you get too excited!
(Rey’s warning comes too late, as Shinn bends over and pukes all over Chairman Durandal’s shoes.)
DURANDAL: (Laughs) I’ll take that as a compliment.
(Shinn stands back up and sheepishly wipes his mouth.)
SHINN: Sorry.
(Durandal turns to Athrun.)
DURANDAL: And Athrun, the Legend is your new unit.
(As Durandal says this, he very noticeably winks at Rey.)
ATHRUN: (Suspicious) What was that?
DURANDAL: What was what?
ATHRUN: You just winked at Rey when you said that.
DURANDAL: Did I? I don’t recall…well, in any case, as I said; Legend is YOUR new unit.
(Again, Durandal winks at Rey, who covers his mouth to hide a giggle in the background.)
ATHRUN: See? There you go again!
DURANDAL: There I go again what?
ATHRUN: You winked at Rey when you said Legend was my new unit, like you were lying directly to my face!
DURANDAL: Athrun, you’re just being paranoid.
(Durandal makes the quotation motions with his hands as he says the next line.)
DURANDAL: I’m sure “you” will “pilot” Legend as “well” as you did Savior.
(Rey laughs audibly in the background, causing Athrun to turn and look at him. Rey quickly coughs to disguise his laughter. Athrun regards him with a suspicious stare, but Rey simply looks away and starts whistling innocently.)
DURANDAL: Anyway, you guys should get some rest. Tomorrow Shinn can take Destiny on a test drive and whomever is piloting Legend can do the same.
ATHRUN: Me. You said I’m piloting Legend, remember?
DURANDAL: (Briefly flustered) What? Oh yes, of course. “You”. (Dramatically) And now, good night, you princes of Gundam, you kings of angst.
(Durandal walks away, making a comical squishy sound with his puke-drenched shoes while doing so. Athrun, Shinn, and Rey are left alone in the hangar. Shinn walks over and slaps Athrun on the back.)
SHINN: Isn’t this awesome? I wish Freeeeeedommmm were still around, so I could kill him again with Destiny! HAW!
(Athrun whips around in a fury to regard Shinn.)
ATHRUN: (Angry) Shinn!
SHINN: What?
ATHRUN: (Yells right in Shinn’s face) SHINN!!!
SHINN: WHAT? Dammit, whenever you think I did something wrong, you just yell “Shinn!” at me. It’s like I’m a dog or something.
(Athrun slaps Shinn.)
ATHRUN: Bad Shinn!!!
(Shinn starts crying.)
SHINN: Nothing I ever do is good enough for you! I’m going to my room!
(Shinn runs away, crying. Rey turns and glares at Athrun.)
REY: Well, now you made him cry. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.
(Rey turns and walks away. Athrun turns and walks out of the hangar towards the living quarters set up for ZAFT pilots. He is deep in thought.)
ATHRUN: (Thinking) Man, this isn’t good. I never expected Shinn to actually beat Kira! And I can’t help but have the suspicion that Durandal has a sinister plot behind the scenes. I’ve also got a feeling my days here are numbered, which means it’s time for another strategically-timed, Athrun Zala-patented side-switch! But first, I’ll get some rest.
(Athrun goes to his room and lies down on his bed. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: Mr. Zala, could you please open the door and come with us?
ZAFT GUARD # 2: The Chairman would like to…see you.
(Athrun springs up from his bed.)
ATHRUN: I knew IT! I fucking knew it! He’s got it in for me!
(Athrun calmly walks over and opens the door for the two guards. Each guard is holding a machine gun.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: If you’ll kindly come with us…
ATHRUN: Of course…
(Athrun begins to walk past them, then suddenly pulls a knife from his pocket and stabs Guard # 1 directly in the forehead with it.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: AIIIIGGGGGHHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ZAFT GUARD # 2: Holy shit!
(As Guard # 1 stumbles around, clutching at the knife in his forehead, Guard # 2 swings his machine gun at Athrun. But Athrun, being as super-cool as he is, ducks and sweep-kicks Guard # 2. Guard # 2 falls hard and bangs his head against the wall, falling unconscious. Athrun quickly grabs his machine gun off the ground and turns to Guard # 1, who is sitting and whimpering softly as he tries to pull the knife out of his head.)
ATHRUN: Try to take me in, will you??!!
ZAFT GUARD # 1: (Crying) Geez, didja have to stab me in the brain with a knife? What the hell, man?
ATHRUN: Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t be taken prisoner.
ZAFT GUARD # 1: And all you did was knock the other guy unconscious! He’ll be fine in an hour or two, but I might have permanent brain damage now! What the hell!
ATHRUN: (Scratches his head with the gun barrel) Geez, I’m sorry, dude. It’s just the way things went.
ZAFT GUARD # 1: Oh man, this hurts SOOOOO bad!!! Seriously, you couldn’t have just knocked me out too??
ATHRUN: Well, what do you want me to do??
ZAFT GUARD # 1: NOT stab me in the head would have been nice, but it’s a little too late for that now, isn’t it??
ATHRUN: Look, I really don’t have time now to…
ZAFT GUARD # 1: MOTHERFUCKING HELL, this HURTS!!! God, what did I do to deserve this? Why did it have to be me?
(Athrun thinks for a moment, then suddenly turns and shoots the unconscious Guard # 2 in both kneecaps with his machine gun.)
ATHRUN: There, now he can never walk again. That better?
ZAFT GUARD # 1: (Whimpers) A little.
(Athrun runs out of the room. Guard # 1 painfully pulls his radio out.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: C-Chairman Durandal, Athrun Zala attacked us when we came to get him! I think he’s going to try and desert!
DURANDAL: (On radio, sounding confused) But, I just wanted to tell him in person that we were going to throw a grand dinner party in his honor. I wasn’t planning on having him killed until at least Wednesday!
ZAFT GUARD # 1: S-Sorry sir, but I’m going to have to pass out now. There’s a brain in my knife.
(Guard # 1 slumps over, and we hear an intruder alert alarm going off throughout the premises. Cut to the bedroom of one Meer Campbell. She’s sitting in front of her mirror, staring at her reflection.)
MEER: (Clears throat) Ahem. Me am Lacus Klyne. Me am love peace. Peace am good. Me am sing song now.
(Meer smiles at her reflection.)
MEER: Ah, good. I was thinking my Lacus Klyne impression was getting a little rusty since my last public appearance. Nice to know I’ve still got it.
(Meer notes the intruder alert alarm going off in the background. An announcement comes up over the building-wide intercom.)
INTERCOM: Attention, there is a traitor in the building trying to escape. All civilians should stay in their rooms until further notice.
MEER: Oh my, this isn’t good. I’d better see what’s going on.
(Meer gets up and starts walking to her door, when suddenly Athrun breaks through her window and rolls on the ground, quickly springing to his feet. Meer screams.)
MEER: AHHHH!!!!
ATHRUN: (Looking around) Oh, hi Meer. Sorry about that.
MEER: Oh…omigod. It’s you- you’re the escaping traitor!
ATHRUN: Yeah, kinda.
MEER: And now you’ve come to violate me before deserting us!
(Meer throws herself backwards, arms spread-eagle onto her bed.)
ATHRUN: Um.
MEER: (Closes her eyes) I’ll try not to scream.
ATHRUN: I’m not going to violate you.
(Meer sits up with a barely concealed disappointed look on her face.)
MEER: Oh yeah, I forgot that you prefer your women at bit more…manlier.
ATHRUN: Yeah, I- HEY!
(There’s a knock at the door.)
ZAFT GUARD: (Outside) Is everything alright in there, fake Lacus-sama?
(Athrun points his gun at Meer.)
ATHRUN: Say everything is okay or you’ll get LEAD surgery this time.
MEER: (Gulps) Everything is okay in here!
ZAFT GUARD: Hmmmm, you don’t sound under duress. Okay! Moving on!
(Athrun waits till he hears the guard leave, then moves back towards the broken window.)
MEER: Where are you going?
ATHRUN: To the Archangel. I’m sure Kira is still alive. He does have main character-itis, after all.
MEER: And you think they’ll take you back?
ATHRUN: Of course they will.
MEER: Well, you do have super-cool blue hair…
ATHRUN: So, if you wanna salvage any sense of self you have left, you should come with me.
MEER: And ruin this lonely, hollow life of delusion and lies? NEVER!
ATHRUN: (Shrugs) Your call.
(Athrun steps out of the broken window frame, leaving Meer alone. He quickly runs down a fire escape, but sees a bunch of ZAFT soldiers on the ground below.)
ATHRUN: Crud, I can’t get out that way!
(Athrun sees another window close by. We cut inside the room, where Meyrin Hawke is on her computer. She sits back in her chair in thought.)
MEYRIN: Wonder if they’ve caught that traitor yet?
(Athrun suddenly smashes through the window and rolls on the ground, quickly springing to his feet. Meyrin screams.)
MEYRIN: AHHHH!!!!
ATHRUN: Don’t be afraid, Meyrin, I’m-
MEYRIN: Oh, God- you’re the traitor and you’ve come to violate me before deserting us!!!
(Meyrin throws herself backwards onto her bed.)
MEYRIN: Well, let’s get on with it then.
ATHRUN: What? NO! Geez, why does every girl whose room I break into with a gun automatically assume I’m there to violate them?
(Meyrin sits up and folds her arms, making a frustrated noise.)
MEYRIN: Oh yeah, I guess I’m not manly enough for your tastes.
ATHRUN: (Manic) Cagalli…IS…NOT…manly!
(There’s a knock at the door.)
LUNA: (Outside) Meyrin, are you okay in there? I heard intruder-esque sounds coming from your room!
(Meyrin looks at Athrun, who gives her a stern shake of the head. She sighs and turns to the door.)
MEYRIN: Everything’s fine, Luna. No Athrun Zalas in here.
(Athrun waits till he hears Luna leave, then turns to Meyrin.)
ATHRUN: Thanks, you’re a peach. Now I gotta get out of here!
MEYRIN: What are you, switching sides?
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes) You do know who I am, right?
MEYRIN: Can I come with?
ATHRUN: (Puzzled) How come?
MEYRIN: I dunno. I haven’t done anything of note in this series yet. Wouldn’t wanna end up being a totally wasted character like Luna.
ATHRUN: I like your attitude! You can be my new sidekick!
MEYRIN: New sidekick? What happened to the old one?
ATHRUN: Uh…
(Flashback to two years ago. Strike and Aegis are fighting. Suddenly, Blitz runs in from the side at Strike.)
NICOL: Athrun, run!!!
KIRA: (Startled) Crap on a spinach wrap!!!
(Strike turns and swings its anti-ship sword directly into Blitz’s cockpit.)
ATHRUN: Nicol!!!
NICOL: (Dying) M-my piano…my mother…new episodes of Buffy*…
*In Cosmic Era, there are new episodes of Buffy.
(Blitz explodes.)
ATHRUN: NOOOO!!!
(End flashback. Athrun has a reflective look on his face. Meyrin just stares at him quizzically.)
MEYRIN: Oh…yeah, I think you had that flashback like, fifty million times before.
ATHRUN: (Snaps out of it) One-hundred seventeen, to be exact. Let’s fly!
(Athrun takes Meyrin’s hand and leads her out of the broken window to outside. A few minutes later, Meyrin is driving Athrun to a launching zone. The car drives by Rey, who is chatting with some mechanics. He quickly turns and looks at the car as it passes by.)
REY: Hmmm, my traitor-sense is tingling! I’d better follow that car.
(Rey runs after the car, grabbing a machine gun off a nearby truck. A few minutes later, Meyrin and Athrun arrive at the launch zone where several mobile suits stand immobile.)
ATHRUN: We’ll steal a GOUF.
MEYRIN: -Ignited.
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes.) Right.
(Athrun and Meyrin run over to a lift and activate it. It lifts them towards the GOUF Ignited’s cockpit.)
MEYRIN: So where are we going?
ATHRUN: We’ll get to the Archangel with this stolen GOUF.
MEYRIN: -Ignited.
ATHRUN: Whatever!
(Suddenly, just as the lift nears the GOUF Ignited’s cockpit, shots ring out and Athrun and Meyrin duck quickly. We see Rey at ground level, shooting at them.)
REY: So you’re deserting us before dinner, are you? Well, death is the only “dessert” for deserters!
ATHRUN: (Yells down at Rey) Oh good one, Captain Quietpants McBroodyhair!
(Rey continues firing as Meyrin keeps down, clearly terrified.)
MEYRIN: Dammit, getting shot at sucks! C’mon, what’s taking you so long to open the cockpit, Athrun?
(Meyrin turns to Athrun to see that he has a can of spray paint, and is painting a patch of the GOUF’s armor red.)
MEYRIN: ATHRUN!
ATHRUN: (Turns to her) What? All the suits I pilot should be red! It’s a personal rule.
MEYRIN: We don’t have time for that right now!
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes) Fine. God!
(Athrun throws the can of spray paint down at Rey. It hits him and knocks him over. Athrun and Meyrin quickly get in the GOUF’s cockpit.)
MEYRIN: Make it go!
ATHRUN: It’s not a go-cart! There are procedures and precautions I need to implement before we…
(Meyrin just jams her foot on one of the pedals. The GOUF Ignited’s thrusters ignite and the suit rockets into the sky.)
ATHRUN: Okay, maybe it’s a little like a go-cart…
(As the escaping GOUF flies away, Rey is up and running on the ground towards the hangar. He takes out his radio.)
REY: Shinn, prep Destiny and Legend for launch.
SHINN: (On radio) Where are me and Athrun going?
REY: (Annoyed) I’m going to pilot Legend.
SHINN: (On radio) But Chairman Durandal said…
REY: (Interrupts) Gilbert says a lot of things, now DO IT!
(Several minutes later, Destiny and Legend are launching from the hangar, with Shinn and Rey piloting.)
SHINN: That…can’t be! Athrun and Luna’s sister- traitors?
REY: I saw it with my own eyes. And also, they said you smell.
SHINN: Those…bitches! Let’s get em’!
(Destiny and Legend, being new uber-kewl suits, easily catch up to the stolen GOUF, despite its lead time. They begin shadowing it as Shinn radios Athrun.)
SHINN: Athrun, you stupid jerkface! What do you think you’re doing???
(The GOUF Ignited turns around to face Destiny.)
ATHRUN: Stay out of this, Shinn! I can’t remain with ZAFT! Their shit isn’t cool anymore!
REY: Enough, traitor! You’ve switched sides for the last time!
(Legend flies towards the GOUF, intent on attacking. Athrun fires the GOUF’s hand-mounted beam machine gun at Legend, but Legend blocks the shots with a beam-shield.)
ATHRUN: Beam shield? Now see, that’s just excessive.
(The GOUF flies away from Legend, but finds Destiny blocking its path.)
ATHRUN: Shinn, don’t try to stop me! I know with your learning disability, it’s hard for you to understand, but I have to leave!
SHINN: (Conflicted) Athrun…
(Destiny doesn’t move out of the way.)
ATHRUN: Dammit!
(Athrun opens fires on Destiny.)
MEYRIN: (Sighs) Right, provoke the homicidal twerp in the superior mobile suit.
(Destiny blocks the shots with its beam-shield. Strangely, Shinn still can’t seem to fight back.)
REY: Shinn, what are you doing? Destroy the traitors already!
SHINN: (Conflicted) I-I can’t!
REY: Yes you can.
SHINN: But Athrun’s been like an Obi-Wan to me!
REY: We have to kill them, no matter who they are!
(The GOUF stops firing and Athrun radios Shinn.)
ATHRUN: It’s not that simple, Shinn!
REY: Yes it is.
ATHRUN: No it’s NOT!
REY: Yes it is.
ATHRUN: Shinn, Rey and Durandal’s words sound right, but that kind of narrow thinking will eventually lead to the destruction of mankind!
REY: No it won’t.
SHINN: (Conflicted) They both have such good arguments! I-I don’t know who to listen to!
REY: Me, listen to me.
ATHRUN: Don’t listen to him, Shinn!
(In his cockpit, Shinn grabs his head in his hands.)
SHINN: Agh! Dammit! I need moral guidance!
(Shinn pulls Mayu’s cell phone out of his pocket.)
SHINN: (To cell phone) What do you think I should do?
MAYU’S CELL PHONE: Hi, this is Mayu! I’m not around right now, so leave a message after the beep!
(Shinn flings the cell phone away.)
SHINN: That’s your answer for everything!!!
(Shinn puts his head back in his hands.)
REY: Shinn, our orders are clear!
ATHRUN: You don’t have to follow orders you don’t like! That’s what I learned in the military!
REY: Right, you’re such a model of loyalty and decisiveness. Shinn, you know what you have to do!
ATHRUN: Yes you do, Shinn! Do what’s right!
(Shinn shakes his head furiously, trying to clear the cobwebs.)
SHINN: Agghhhhhh!!!! Oh man, I feel a shitty decision coming on…
(Destiny dramatically spreads its Wings of Light. It points at the GOUF Ignited.)
SHINN: (Accusingly) You, Athrun Zala, are a traitor!
MEYRIN: I’m here too, remember?
ATHRUN: Quiet, Meyrin. Men are talking.
MEYRIN: (Sighs) Oh, for fuck’s sake…
(Destiny starts making weird, Sailor-Moon-esque hand motions.)
SHINN: (Hamming it up) In the name of justice, peace, and the right to make poorly-thought out, morally-dubious decisions, I have to take you down, Athrun!!!
ATHRUN: Goddammit.
(The GOUF Ignited begins to fly away. Destiny blazes after it.)
SHINN: This cell phone of mine is burning with angst! I interpreted it as telling me to defeat you! Here I go- DESTINY FINGER!!!
(Destiny Gundam grabs the GOUF’s arm and blows it off, using its palm beam cannon. As the GOUF desperately tries to correct its flight path, Destiny pulls out its “Arondight” anti-ship sword.)
MEYRIN: Is it too late to resign from my role as your new sidekick, Athrun?
(Destiny flies directly at the GOUF, sword pointed straight ahead.)
ATHRUN: Shinn, don’t-
SHINN: No more talky!
(Destiny Gundam stabs the GOUF Ignited through the chest; the impaled unit slowly slides off the sword and falls into the ocean, then explodes. No one could possibly survive.)
SHINN: (Breathing hard) I-I did it.
(Legend pats Destiny on the back.)
REY: You’re officially an anti-hero now.
SHINN: What?
REY: Nothing. Good job.
(In Destiny’s cockpit, Shinn pulls Mayu’s cell phone out of his pocket.)
SHINN: Oh…the cell phone was just set to vibrate…it wasn’t “burning with angst”.
(Shinn opens the phone and puts it to his ear.)
SHINN: Hello? Asking for Mayu? She’s dead. Where have you been? She’s been dead for like two years! This is her brother. No, I don’t think it’s creepy for me to be carrying around her cell phone. Well, fuck you then.
(Shinn closes the phone and sticks it back in his pocket.)
REY: Problem?
SHINN: Nah, wrong number.
(Legend and Destiny turn around and fly away back to the ZAFT base.)
To be continued…!
NEXT TIME ON GUNDAM SEED DESTINY!!!
ZAFT attacks Heavens Base! ZAFT attacks Orb! Will the Archangel crew let these perfectly justified transgressions go unpunished? Of course friggin’ not! But they’re gonna need some new mobile suits to do it, like brand-new, whistles-and-bells versions of Freedom and Justice! And what about Athrun? Has his luck finally run out, or will he live to switch sides another day? It will all eventually culminate in a massive battle in space for control of the Death Star…I mean, the second Death Star…I mean, Neo-GENESIS.
If you miss this one, Shinn hates you forever!
“Choices, Poor and Uh, More Poor”
Or
“Cop-Out Kill Extravaganza!”
(Open up in some mysterious ZAFT hangar place on Earth. Chairman Durandal leads Shinn, Rey, and Athrun onto the catwalk of the hangar. If you’re wondering why Athrun is here despite being with the Archangel crew last episode, the answer is as simple as it is obvious- he switched sides again.)
DURANDAL: Well, you boys did a bang-up job recently, so I have some new stuff to give you.
SHINN: Yes, we did a bang-up job. I am recalling it right now as we speak.
(Flashback. We’re in the mess hall of the Archangel. Athrun walks up to Kira, who is sitting down at a table.)
ATHRUN: Kira, did you drink the last of my Sunny D?
KIRA: Well, yes, but I thought it was for everyone.
ATHRUN: You SON OF A BITCH! That’s it!
(Cut to the Savior flying away from the Archangel with Athrun piloting it.)
ATHRUN: “Best friends forever”, yeah right. About time I switched sides again.
(Freedom suddenly shows up flying after Savior.)
KIRA: Wait, Athrun! Cagalli is crying now because you left!
ATHRUN: When does she NOT cry, I mean seriously?
(Suddenly, the Minerva is seen approaching the two mobile suits. Cut to the bridge.)
MEYRIN: Ma’am, it appears Savior is being pursued by Freedom.
TALIA: Well, Athrun did change to their side, but then again, he does have super-cool blue hair. Let’s help him! Tell Shinn to launch!
(In the Minerva’s hangar, Force Impulse prepares to launch.)
SHINN: I’ve been running battle simulations non-stop and this time, for sure, I’m gonna take Freedom down! Don’t worry, Stellar, I’ll pay that bastard back for killing you!
(Stellar’s ghost appears next to Shinn.)
STELLAR’S GHOST: (Sighs) Shinn, playing “Virtual On” doesn’t count as running battle simulations.
SHINN: Not now, ghost of Stellar. I have to focus on avenging you!
STELLAR’S GHOST: No really, you don’t have to-
SHINN: Shinn Asuka, revenge ahoy!
(Impulse takes off. Stellar’s ghost lingers in the hangar for a few seconds longer.)
STELLAR’S GHOST: (Sighs) Yeah, this’ll end well.
(Meanwhile, Savior turns and shoots at Freedom.)
ATHRUN: I’m serious, Kira! Back off!
KIRA: Oh so now you wanna fight, huh?
(Freedom pulls out its beam sabers and cuts off both of Savior’s arms.)
ATHRUN: That’s…that’s not fair! I was distracted! I was having my one-hundred and sixteenth flashback of you killing Nicol at that precise moment!
KIRA: Ahhhhhh, go regress some more as a character, ya fucker.
(Freedom blasts Savior’s remains with its rail guns, sending the wrecked suit into the ocean.)
KIRA: And oh yeah; thanks for the robot bird toy.
(Suddenly, Kira notices Impulse approaching.)
SHINN: Freeeeedommm!!! My vengeance is on hand!
KIRA: “At” hand.
SHINN: QUIET!
(Freedom aims its beam rifle to shoot out Impulse’s main camera, but Shinn skillfully dodges the blast by having Impulse’s head lean slightly to the side.)
KIRA: What the-?
(Freedom fires again; this time at Impulse’s arms, but Shinn again manages to avoid the shot using his newly acquired mad skillz.)
KIRA: It didn’t get hit? What happened to my infallible accuracy?
MURRUE: (Over communications channel) Infallible accuracy?? I thought you just usually shot all your weapons at random and they just happened to hit stuff.
KIRA: What do you think this is; a cartoon?
SHINN: You can’t escape this time, Freeeeedommmmm!
KIRA: God, stop saying it like that!
(Freedom brandishes a beam saber and swings at Impulse, cutting off its beam rifle arm and head as the suit passes by.)
KIRA: Ah, finally. I hit something without using Freedom’s EZ-targeting system. Statistically, it should happen at least once in this series.
SHINN: Minerva! Send me a new chest flyer and the Sword Silhouette!
MEYRIN: (Over communications channel) If you love the Sword Silhouette so much, why don’t you marry it?
SHINN: Just do it, Luna’s sister!
(As the Sword Silhouette launches from the Minerva, Impulse appears to fall apart in midair as the Core Splendor detaches from the chest flyer.)
KIRA: What the-?
(Impulse re-assembles with a new chest flyer into Sword Silhouette mode.)
KIRA: I call HAX on that!
SHINN: You killed Stellar!
KIRA: What’s a “Stellar?”
SHINN: Even when I told you not to!
KIRA: Look, dude, you are making no sense and as the main character of this show, I’m going to have to win now, soooooo…
(Freedom goes into full-burst mode and fires on the approaching Impulse. The blasts appear to hit something.)
KIRA: And that’s the end of that chapter. Hey, waitasec!
(Freedom’s blasts had apparently only hit Impulse’s shield; Shinn managed to boost out of the way and now is flying directly at Freedom with its big twin Excalibur sword thingamajig pointed straight ahead.)
SHINN: Who’s the main character now, bitch?
(Impulse impales Freedom straight through the torso. Kira has a shocked expression on his face, as opposed to the vacant stare he usually sports.)
KIRA: Oh…snap!
(Freedom EXPLODES into a million pieces. No one could possibly survive. On the bridge of the Archangel, Murrue leans forward in shock, causing a mini-earthquake on her chest.)
MURRUE: Oh no! Kira-kun!
(When the smoke clears, Impulse is seen floating there, melted-to-hell but still active.)
SHINN: (Teary-eyed) I did it, Stellar! Now I can finally progress as a character! Yessiree, things are gonna be different from this point in the series on!
(Cut to the Archangel’s sick bay some time later. Kira Yamato lies in bed, banged up a bit, but still very much alive. Lacus sits at his side, and Neo/Mu and Murrue stand over them. For some reason, Neo/Mu is still wearing his mask.)
KIRA: (Wakes up) Ugh, what? I survived?
MURRUE: Yeah.
KIRA: Huh.
MURRUE: Yeah.
KIRA: Cause I coulda sworn…
MURRUE: Don’t question it.
KIRA: But…
NEO/MU: Seriously, kid. Don’t ask questions. I moved on, so can you.
(Lacus gets all teary-eyed. She breaks down and hugs Kira.)
LACUS: Oh, Kira! I thought you were gone forever!
KIRA: (Confused) I thought you were locked up in the brig.
LACUS: I’m sorry I was upset with you, Kira. I realize that you’re under a lot of stress being the main character and what not, and you said things you didn’t mean.
KIRA: Uh, right. That’s it.
(Kira looks to Neo/Mu.)
KIRA: Hey, why are you still wearing that mask if you remember who you are now?
NEO/MU: Because it fucks with people’s heads. They’re all like “Oh man, why is that dude wearing a mask?” and I’m all like “Because I’m such a stone-cold badass is why, punk!”
KIRA: Wow, that’s pretty neat. I thought it’d be some lame reason, like hiding your identity from the people who may have killed your father so you can jump out at them one day and remove the mask, and be all like “Ha-HAH! It was me all along!”
NEO/MU: That would just be silly.
(Murrue notes the longing expression on Lacus’ face, then grabs Neo/Mu’s arm.)
MURRUE: Let’s let the kids be alone for awhile, huh?
KIRA: Uh, no really, I like the company.
LACUS: (Beaming) Thank you, Murrue-san!
(Neo/Mu nudges Kira with his elbow.)
NEO/MU: Good luck, kid.
KIRA: Wait, don’t leave-
(Murrue and Neo/Mu leave the sickbay, leaving Lacus and Kira alone.)
LACUS: (Blushes) We’re all alone now, Kira.
KIRA: (Rubs his head) Uh, yeah, about that.
LACUS: (Pleading) Please, Kira, tell me what I can do to make you happy!
(Kira looks pensive. He thinks for a few seconds.)
KIRA: Well, okay.
(Kira reaches under the bed and pulls out a red wig.)
KIRA: Can you wear this and call me “Coordinator scum!”?
LACUS: …
(Cut to outside the sickbay, where we hear ferocious screaming and Kira yelling.)
KIRA: (Muffled) AGH! She’s gone all Allenby on me again! Help me! HELP!
LACUS: RAGHHHHH!!!! KILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOU!!!!!
(End flashback. Yeah, remember? This was all a flashback. Seriously, look at the beginning of the story, you’ll see. We’re back in the mysterious ZAFT hangar with Durandal, Shinn, Athrun, and Rey standing on a walkway.)
SHINN: And that’s how we did a bang-up job.
DURANDAL: Wow. I’m especially impressed how you recalled stuff that didn’t even happen to you.
SHINN: (Shrugs) Yeah, it is crazy shit.
DURANDAL: And then you guys rescued Athrun from the ocean?
REY: Rescued him like a drowning kitten.
SHINN: (Laughs) Yeah, he was all “Save me! Save me! I’m in FAITH!”
DURANDAL: (Turns to Athrun and laughs) Man, I used to think you were cool.
(Rey shoves Athrun, who has a sullen look on his face.)
REY: The chairman is talking to you!
(Athrun turns and glares at Rey, then continues looking sullen and indecisive about whether to hit Rey back or just continue being indecisive and broody, and also sullen.)
DURANDAL: In any case, I’ve got some new suits for you and Shinn.
(The lights come on in the hangar, revealing Destiny and Legend. Shinn starts breathing really loud and obnoxiously, like a fat seven-year-old who’s had too much caffeine.)
DURANDAL: This Destiny Gundam here kicks all manner of ass. It will be your new unit, Shinn.
(Shinn can’t contain his excitement anymore. He throws up his arms and screams.)
SHINN: AGGGGGHHHHH!!! NINTENDO 64!!! I-I mean, DESTINY GUNDAM!!!
REY: Calm down, Shinn, you know what happens when you get too excited!
(Rey’s warning comes too late, as Shinn bends over and pukes all over Chairman Durandal’s shoes.)
DURANDAL: (Laughs) I’ll take that as a compliment.
(Shinn stands back up and sheepishly wipes his mouth.)
SHINN: Sorry.
(Durandal turns to Athrun.)
DURANDAL: And Athrun, the Legend is your new unit.
(As Durandal says this, he very noticeably winks at Rey.)
ATHRUN: (Suspicious) What was that?
DURANDAL: What was what?
ATHRUN: You just winked at Rey when you said that.
DURANDAL: Did I? I don’t recall…well, in any case, as I said; Legend is YOUR new unit.
(Again, Durandal winks at Rey, who covers his mouth to hide a giggle in the background.)
ATHRUN: See? There you go again!
DURANDAL: There I go again what?
ATHRUN: You winked at Rey when you said Legend was my new unit, like you were lying directly to my face!
DURANDAL: Athrun, you’re just being paranoid.
(Durandal makes the quotation motions with his hands as he says the next line.)
DURANDAL: I’m sure “you” will “pilot” Legend as “well” as you did Savior.
(Rey laughs audibly in the background, causing Athrun to turn and look at him. Rey quickly coughs to disguise his laughter. Athrun regards him with a suspicious stare, but Rey simply looks away and starts whistling innocently.)
DURANDAL: Anyway, you guys should get some rest. Tomorrow Shinn can take Destiny on a test drive and whomever is piloting Legend can do the same.
ATHRUN: Me. You said I’m piloting Legend, remember?
DURANDAL: (Briefly flustered) What? Oh yes, of course. “You”. (Dramatically) And now, good night, you princes of Gundam, you kings of angst.
(Durandal walks away, making a comical squishy sound with his puke-drenched shoes while doing so. Athrun, Shinn, and Rey are left alone in the hangar. Shinn walks over and slaps Athrun on the back.)
SHINN: Isn’t this awesome? I wish Freeeeeedommmm were still around, so I could kill him again with Destiny! HAW!
(Athrun whips around in a fury to regard Shinn.)
ATHRUN: (Angry) Shinn!
SHINN: What?
ATHRUN: (Yells right in Shinn’s face) SHINN!!!
SHINN: WHAT? Dammit, whenever you think I did something wrong, you just yell “Shinn!” at me. It’s like I’m a dog or something.
(Athrun slaps Shinn.)
ATHRUN: Bad Shinn!!!
(Shinn starts crying.)
SHINN: Nothing I ever do is good enough for you! I’m going to my room!
(Shinn runs away, crying. Rey turns and glares at Athrun.)
REY: Well, now you made him cry. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.
(Rey turns and walks away. Athrun turns and walks out of the hangar towards the living quarters set up for ZAFT pilots. He is deep in thought.)
ATHRUN: (Thinking) Man, this isn’t good. I never expected Shinn to actually beat Kira! And I can’t help but have the suspicion that Durandal has a sinister plot behind the scenes. I’ve also got a feeling my days here are numbered, which means it’s time for another strategically-timed, Athrun Zala-patented side-switch! But first, I’ll get some rest.
(Athrun goes to his room and lies down on his bed. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: Mr. Zala, could you please open the door and come with us?
ZAFT GUARD # 2: The Chairman would like to…see you.
(Athrun springs up from his bed.)
ATHRUN: I knew IT! I fucking knew it! He’s got it in for me!
(Athrun calmly walks over and opens the door for the two guards. Each guard is holding a machine gun.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: If you’ll kindly come with us…
ATHRUN: Of course…
(Athrun begins to walk past them, then suddenly pulls a knife from his pocket and stabs Guard # 1 directly in the forehead with it.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: AIIIIGGGGGHHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ZAFT GUARD # 2: Holy shit!
(As Guard # 1 stumbles around, clutching at the knife in his forehead, Guard # 2 swings his machine gun at Athrun. But Athrun, being as super-cool as he is, ducks and sweep-kicks Guard # 2. Guard # 2 falls hard and bangs his head against the wall, falling unconscious. Athrun quickly grabs his machine gun off the ground and turns to Guard # 1, who is sitting and whimpering softly as he tries to pull the knife out of his head.)
ATHRUN: Try to take me in, will you??!!
ZAFT GUARD # 1: (Crying) Geez, didja have to stab me in the brain with a knife? What the hell, man?
ATHRUN: Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t be taken prisoner.
ZAFT GUARD # 1: And all you did was knock the other guy unconscious! He’ll be fine in an hour or two, but I might have permanent brain damage now! What the hell!
ATHRUN: (Scratches his head with the gun barrel) Geez, I’m sorry, dude. It’s just the way things went.
ZAFT GUARD # 1: Oh man, this hurts SOOOOO bad!!! Seriously, you couldn’t have just knocked me out too??
ATHRUN: Well, what do you want me to do??
ZAFT GUARD # 1: NOT stab me in the head would have been nice, but it’s a little too late for that now, isn’t it??
ATHRUN: Look, I really don’t have time now to…
ZAFT GUARD # 1: MOTHERFUCKING HELL, this HURTS!!! God, what did I do to deserve this? Why did it have to be me?
(Athrun thinks for a moment, then suddenly turns and shoots the unconscious Guard # 2 in both kneecaps with his machine gun.)
ATHRUN: There, now he can never walk again. That better?
ZAFT GUARD # 1: (Whimpers) A little.
(Athrun runs out of the room. Guard # 1 painfully pulls his radio out.)
ZAFT GUARD # 1: C-Chairman Durandal, Athrun Zala attacked us when we came to get him! I think he’s going to try and desert!
DURANDAL: (On radio, sounding confused) But, I just wanted to tell him in person that we were going to throw a grand dinner party in his honor. I wasn’t planning on having him killed until at least Wednesday!
ZAFT GUARD # 1: S-Sorry sir, but I’m going to have to pass out now. There’s a brain in my knife.
(Guard # 1 slumps over, and we hear an intruder alert alarm going off throughout the premises. Cut to the bedroom of one Meer Campbell. She’s sitting in front of her mirror, staring at her reflection.)
MEER: (Clears throat) Ahem. Me am Lacus Klyne. Me am love peace. Peace am good. Me am sing song now.
(Meer smiles at her reflection.)
MEER: Ah, good. I was thinking my Lacus Klyne impression was getting a little rusty since my last public appearance. Nice to know I’ve still got it.
(Meer notes the intruder alert alarm going off in the background. An announcement comes up over the building-wide intercom.)
INTERCOM: Attention, there is a traitor in the building trying to escape. All civilians should stay in their rooms until further notice.
MEER: Oh my, this isn’t good. I’d better see what’s going on.
(Meer gets up and starts walking to her door, when suddenly Athrun breaks through her window and rolls on the ground, quickly springing to his feet. Meer screams.)
MEER: AHHHH!!!!
ATHRUN: (Looking around) Oh, hi Meer. Sorry about that.
MEER: Oh…omigod. It’s you- you’re the escaping traitor!
ATHRUN: Yeah, kinda.
MEER: And now you’ve come to violate me before deserting us!
(Meer throws herself backwards, arms spread-eagle onto her bed.)
ATHRUN: Um.
MEER: (Closes her eyes) I’ll try not to scream.
ATHRUN: I’m not going to violate you.
(Meer sits up with a barely concealed disappointed look on her face.)
MEER: Oh yeah, I forgot that you prefer your women at bit more…manlier.
ATHRUN: Yeah, I- HEY!
(There’s a knock at the door.)
ZAFT GUARD: (Outside) Is everything alright in there, fake Lacus-sama?
(Athrun points his gun at Meer.)
ATHRUN: Say everything is okay or you’ll get LEAD surgery this time.
MEER: (Gulps) Everything is okay in here!
ZAFT GUARD: Hmmmm, you don’t sound under duress. Okay! Moving on!
(Athrun waits till he hears the guard leave, then moves back towards the broken window.)
MEER: Where are you going?
ATHRUN: To the Archangel. I’m sure Kira is still alive. He does have main character-itis, after all.
MEER: And you think they’ll take you back?
ATHRUN: Of course they will.
MEER: Well, you do have super-cool blue hair…
ATHRUN: So, if you wanna salvage any sense of self you have left, you should come with me.
MEER: And ruin this lonely, hollow life of delusion and lies? NEVER!
ATHRUN: (Shrugs) Your call.
(Athrun steps out of the broken window frame, leaving Meer alone. He quickly runs down a fire escape, but sees a bunch of ZAFT soldiers on the ground below.)
ATHRUN: Crud, I can’t get out that way!
(Athrun sees another window close by. We cut inside the room, where Meyrin Hawke is on her computer. She sits back in her chair in thought.)
MEYRIN: Wonder if they’ve caught that traitor yet?
(Athrun suddenly smashes through the window and rolls on the ground, quickly springing to his feet. Meyrin screams.)
MEYRIN: AHHHH!!!!
ATHRUN: Don’t be afraid, Meyrin, I’m-
MEYRIN: Oh, God- you’re the traitor and you’ve come to violate me before deserting us!!!
(Meyrin throws herself backwards onto her bed.)
MEYRIN: Well, let’s get on with it then.
ATHRUN: What? NO! Geez, why does every girl whose room I break into with a gun automatically assume I’m there to violate them?
(Meyrin sits up and folds her arms, making a frustrated noise.)
MEYRIN: Oh yeah, I guess I’m not manly enough for your tastes.
ATHRUN: (Manic) Cagalli…IS…NOT…manly!
(There’s a knock at the door.)
LUNA: (Outside) Meyrin, are you okay in there? I heard intruder-esque sounds coming from your room!
(Meyrin looks at Athrun, who gives her a stern shake of the head. She sighs and turns to the door.)
MEYRIN: Everything’s fine, Luna. No Athrun Zalas in here.
(Athrun waits till he hears Luna leave, then turns to Meyrin.)
ATHRUN: Thanks, you’re a peach. Now I gotta get out of here!
MEYRIN: What are you, switching sides?
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes) You do know who I am, right?
MEYRIN: Can I come with?
ATHRUN: (Puzzled) How come?
MEYRIN: I dunno. I haven’t done anything of note in this series yet. Wouldn’t wanna end up being a totally wasted character like Luna.
ATHRUN: I like your attitude! You can be my new sidekick!
MEYRIN: New sidekick? What happened to the old one?
ATHRUN: Uh…
(Flashback to two years ago. Strike and Aegis are fighting. Suddenly, Blitz runs in from the side at Strike.)
NICOL: Athrun, run!!!
KIRA: (Startled) Crap on a spinach wrap!!!
(Strike turns and swings its anti-ship sword directly into Blitz’s cockpit.)
ATHRUN: Nicol!!!
NICOL: (Dying) M-my piano…my mother…new episodes of Buffy*…
*In Cosmic Era, there are new episodes of Buffy.
(Blitz explodes.)
ATHRUN: NOOOO!!!
(End flashback. Athrun has a reflective look on his face. Meyrin just stares at him quizzically.)
MEYRIN: Oh…yeah, I think you had that flashback like, fifty million times before.
ATHRUN: (Snaps out of it) One-hundred seventeen, to be exact. Let’s fly!
(Athrun takes Meyrin’s hand and leads her out of the broken window to outside. A few minutes later, Meyrin is driving Athrun to a launching zone. The car drives by Rey, who is chatting with some mechanics. He quickly turns and looks at the car as it passes by.)
REY: Hmmm, my traitor-sense is tingling! I’d better follow that car.
(Rey runs after the car, grabbing a machine gun off a nearby truck. A few minutes later, Meyrin and Athrun arrive at the launch zone where several mobile suits stand immobile.)
ATHRUN: We’ll steal a GOUF.
MEYRIN: -Ignited.
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes.) Right.
(Athrun and Meyrin run over to a lift and activate it. It lifts them towards the GOUF Ignited’s cockpit.)
MEYRIN: So where are we going?
ATHRUN: We’ll get to the Archangel with this stolen GOUF.
MEYRIN: -Ignited.
ATHRUN: Whatever!
(Suddenly, just as the lift nears the GOUF Ignited’s cockpit, shots ring out and Athrun and Meyrin duck quickly. We see Rey at ground level, shooting at them.)
REY: So you’re deserting us before dinner, are you? Well, death is the only “dessert” for deserters!
ATHRUN: (Yells down at Rey) Oh good one, Captain Quietpants McBroodyhair!
(Rey continues firing as Meyrin keeps down, clearly terrified.)
MEYRIN: Dammit, getting shot at sucks! C’mon, what’s taking you so long to open the cockpit, Athrun?
(Meyrin turns to Athrun to see that he has a can of spray paint, and is painting a patch of the GOUF’s armor red.)
MEYRIN: ATHRUN!
ATHRUN: (Turns to her) What? All the suits I pilot should be red! It’s a personal rule.
MEYRIN: We don’t have time for that right now!
ATHRUN: (Rolls his eyes) Fine. God!
(Athrun throws the can of spray paint down at Rey. It hits him and knocks him over. Athrun and Meyrin quickly get in the GOUF’s cockpit.)
MEYRIN: Make it go!
ATHRUN: It’s not a go-cart! There are procedures and precautions I need to implement before we…
(Meyrin just jams her foot on one of the pedals. The GOUF Ignited’s thrusters ignite and the suit rockets into the sky.)
ATHRUN: Okay, maybe it’s a little like a go-cart…
(As the escaping GOUF flies away, Rey is up and running on the ground towards the hangar. He takes out his radio.)
REY: Shinn, prep Destiny and Legend for launch.
SHINN: (On radio) Where are me and Athrun going?
REY: (Annoyed) I’m going to pilot Legend.
SHINN: (On radio) But Chairman Durandal said…
REY: (Interrupts) Gilbert says a lot of things, now DO IT!
(Several minutes later, Destiny and Legend are launching from the hangar, with Shinn and Rey piloting.)
SHINN: That…can’t be! Athrun and Luna’s sister- traitors?
REY: I saw it with my own eyes. And also, they said you smell.
SHINN: Those…bitches! Let’s get em’!
(Destiny and Legend, being new uber-kewl suits, easily catch up to the stolen GOUF, despite its lead time. They begin shadowing it as Shinn radios Athrun.)
SHINN: Athrun, you stupid jerkface! What do you think you’re doing???
(The GOUF Ignited turns around to face Destiny.)
ATHRUN: Stay out of this, Shinn! I can’t remain with ZAFT! Their shit isn’t cool anymore!
REY: Enough, traitor! You’ve switched sides for the last time!
(Legend flies towards the GOUF, intent on attacking. Athrun fires the GOUF’s hand-mounted beam machine gun at Legend, but Legend blocks the shots with a beam-shield.)
ATHRUN: Beam shield? Now see, that’s just excessive.
(The GOUF flies away from Legend, but finds Destiny blocking its path.)
ATHRUN: Shinn, don’t try to stop me! I know with your learning disability, it’s hard for you to understand, but I have to leave!
SHINN: (Conflicted) Athrun…
(Destiny doesn’t move out of the way.)
ATHRUN: Dammit!
(Athrun opens fires on Destiny.)
MEYRIN: (Sighs) Right, provoke the homicidal twerp in the superior mobile suit.
(Destiny blocks the shots with its beam-shield. Strangely, Shinn still can’t seem to fight back.)
REY: Shinn, what are you doing? Destroy the traitors already!
SHINN: (Conflicted) I-I can’t!
REY: Yes you can.
SHINN: But Athrun’s been like an Obi-Wan to me!
REY: We have to kill them, no matter who they are!
(The GOUF stops firing and Athrun radios Shinn.)
ATHRUN: It’s not that simple, Shinn!
REY: Yes it is.
ATHRUN: No it’s NOT!
REY: Yes it is.
ATHRUN: Shinn, Rey and Durandal’s words sound right, but that kind of narrow thinking will eventually lead to the destruction of mankind!
REY: No it won’t.
SHINN: (Conflicted) They both have such good arguments! I-I don’t know who to listen to!
REY: Me, listen to me.
ATHRUN: Don’t listen to him, Shinn!
(In his cockpit, Shinn grabs his head in his hands.)
SHINN: Agh! Dammit! I need moral guidance!
(Shinn pulls Mayu’s cell phone out of his pocket.)
SHINN: (To cell phone) What do you think I should do?
MAYU’S CELL PHONE: Hi, this is Mayu! I’m not around right now, so leave a message after the beep!
(Shinn flings the cell phone away.)
SHINN: That’s your answer for everything!!!
(Shinn puts his head back in his hands.)
REY: Shinn, our orders are clear!
ATHRUN: You don’t have to follow orders you don’t like! That’s what I learned in the military!
REY: Right, you’re such a model of loyalty and decisiveness. Shinn, you know what you have to do!
ATHRUN: Yes you do, Shinn! Do what’s right!
(Shinn shakes his head furiously, trying to clear the cobwebs.)
SHINN: Agghhhhhh!!!! Oh man, I feel a shitty decision coming on…
(Destiny dramatically spreads its Wings of Light. It points at the GOUF Ignited.)
SHINN: (Accusingly) You, Athrun Zala, are a traitor!
MEYRIN: I’m here too, remember?
ATHRUN: Quiet, Meyrin. Men are talking.
MEYRIN: (Sighs) Oh, for fuck’s sake…
(Destiny starts making weird, Sailor-Moon-esque hand motions.)
SHINN: (Hamming it up) In the name of justice, peace, and the right to make poorly-thought out, morally-dubious decisions, I have to take you down, Athrun!!!
ATHRUN: Goddammit.
(The GOUF Ignited begins to fly away. Destiny blazes after it.)
SHINN: This cell phone of mine is burning with angst! I interpreted it as telling me to defeat you! Here I go- DESTINY FINGER!!!
(Destiny Gundam grabs the GOUF’s arm and blows it off, using its palm beam cannon. As the GOUF desperately tries to correct its flight path, Destiny pulls out its “Arondight” anti-ship sword.)
MEYRIN: Is it too late to resign from my role as your new sidekick, Athrun?
(Destiny flies directly at the GOUF, sword pointed straight ahead.)
ATHRUN: Shinn, don’t-
SHINN: No more talky!
(Destiny Gundam stabs the GOUF Ignited through the chest; the impaled unit slowly slides off the sword and falls into the ocean, then explodes. No one could possibly survive.)
SHINN: (Breathing hard) I-I did it.
(Legend pats Destiny on the back.)
REY: You’re officially an anti-hero now.
SHINN: What?
REY: Nothing. Good job.
(In Destiny’s cockpit, Shinn pulls Mayu’s cell phone out of his pocket.)
SHINN: Oh…the cell phone was just set to vibrate…it wasn’t “burning with angst”.
(Shinn opens the phone and puts it to his ear.)
SHINN: Hello? Asking for Mayu? She’s dead. Where have you been? She’s been dead for like two years! This is her brother. No, I don’t think it’s creepy for me to be carrying around her cell phone. Well, fuck you then.
(Shinn closes the phone and sticks it back in his pocket.)
REY: Problem?
SHINN: Nah, wrong number.
(Legend and Destiny turn around and fly away back to the ZAFT base.)
To be continued…!
NEXT TIME ON GUNDAM SEED DESTINY!!!
ZAFT attacks Heavens Base! ZAFT attacks Orb! Will the Archangel crew let these perfectly justified transgressions go unpunished? Of course friggin’ not! But they’re gonna need some new mobile suits to do it, like brand-new, whistles-and-bells versions of Freedom and Justice! And what about Athrun? Has his luck finally run out, or will he live to switch sides another day? It will all eventually culminate in a massive battle in space for control of the Death Star…I mean, the second Death Star…I mean, Neo-GENESIS.
If you miss this one, Shinn hates you forever!
Last edited by Thundermuffin on Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Random_GM_Pilot
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 5:27 pm
I vote this as the best parody Gundam fic ever as well. This is hilarious. Calling this "side-splitting" does not do it justice, not yet have I stopped laughing while reading these! Great stuff. And it's all in-character, too!
SHIHO: This is Codename “Backgroundâ€. Codenames “Lenny†and “Carl†are suitably distracted. Begin the operation.
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RGM-79G GM Command
- Posts: 353
- Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 12:22 pm
- Location: RGM-89J Jegan cockpit.
You should get some kind of award for this. Great job, again.
Thundermuffin's TEGSD: MEYRIN: Ma’am! The Archangel has arrived and launched a giant, man-shaped robot at us! Likelihood of it being a mobile-suit… (Meyrin does some quick calculations on her console)…ninety-nine point eight percent!
ARTHUR: Good God, that’s almost a hundred-percent!
ARTHUR: Good God, that’s almost a hundred-percent!
Lets see, Rei Murasame, Nagi, Draco Starcloud, and Folken Fanel are listed as haveing mod powers in this area.
This is indeed still good after a few read throughs. Any damage Kira gets as a result of his idiotic response to the romantic/potentially intimate moment with Lacus he definately deserves. Moron, you are all but locked in a room with a knockout chick who wants you and you do that
Jerk.
If he doesn't want to be with Lacus I'll take his place!
This is indeed still good after a few read throughs. Any damage Kira gets as a result of his idiotic response to the romantic/potentially intimate moment with Lacus he definately deserves. Moron, you are all but locked in a room with a knockout chick who wants you and you do that
Jerk. If he doesn't want to be with Lacus I'll take his place!
Oh, crap. I forgot to mod approve it the first time too. Oh well here it is, sorry that its late.
MOD APPROVED
MOD APPROVED
You really want to go out with a crazy homicidal chick who foams at the mouth when she isnt appreciated?Guy Who Likes Pink-Haired Pop Idols wrote:If he doesn't want to be with Lacus I'll take his place!
ShadowCell wrote:"Poor fool, ShadowCell!" you say. "You can't win against fandom stupidity with the Power of the Mod!"