Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino: [Rated M for "Mature"]

[LigerMKII]

Hello, I wrote a Gundam Parody/Crack fanfic that's already five chapters in. And since it'll be poor taste to simply repost every chapter over and over, I'm just gonna post a series of teasers from individual chapters. Here goes!

Notes: I used Joachim instead of Wakkein out of simple preference but switched it here for ease of reference.


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Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino

"Meet the Hero"

"No, no, that can't be right."

Wakkein looked to the pretty red-haired Sergeant, his assistant, who was reading the records of one of the witnesses he was about to interview. The two were walking towards the hastily prepared interrogation room where he sat. "What is it, Sergeant Takizawa?"

The twenty year old looked up from the tablet PC she was examining the records of their witness. "Apparently this is Professor Tem Ray's son, but…"

Wakkein looked genuinely surprised… and a little horrified. "Wait. You're telling me that, somehow, Tem Ray successfully reproduced?"

"It's what it says. Amuro 'Grand Slam' Ray: also known as 'The Red Haired Bandit', also known as 'The Spokane Firebug', also known as 'The Hero of Vancouver', also known as 'Tater Salad', also known as… 'Baron Samedi'?"

Wakkein looked at the tablet. "…Baron Samedi?"

Takizawa nodded. "It's what it says." She continued. "Age fifteen, height one hundred sixty eight centimeters, likes long walks on the beach, taking apart machinery, marathon sex sessions, and his Live Gamer Tag is Zero-sen."

"Wait, what?"

A long silence followed, and Wakkein looked again as Takizawa's face colored when she realized what she had said. Wakkein hummed. "Well, I guess that second to last one would explain how we found him."

He placed his hand over the keypad to the door, after returning the salutes of the guards standing by it. "Let's get this over with."

With a hydraulic hiss, the door opened and Wakkein and his assistant entered to find a somewhat unassuming teenager with curly reddish-brown hair sitting at a table complete with the usual interrogation spread: A tape recorder, a container with several pencils, a pad of paper, and a pitcher of ice cold lemonade and a half full glass.

He looked up at Wakkein and Takizawa, and waved with his shackled hands. "Hi."

Wakkein coughed and cleared his throat. "So… Baron Samedi…?"

Amuro Ray's eyes widened briefly, and he glared at him. "Never call me that again."

"Right…" Wakkein sat down across from Amuro and folded his hands on the table. "According to Ensign Bright Noa, you were the one who was piloting the Gundam during the attack on Side Seven."

"Yes, I was in it when you personally came to arrest me," Amuro replied with a hint of annoyance.

Wakkein reached up and pulled down the bill over his hat over his eyes briefly. "…Yes…yes you were. Now then can you tell me-?"

"I didn't get to finish," Amuro pointed out.

Wakkein lifted his hat up. "Tell me what happened at Side Seven!"

"Bright told you, didn't he?"

"Yes, but to confirm the veracity of his account, we have to interview others involved in the incident and you were the one who decided to take our three billion dollar prototype for a spin." Wakkein emphasized the monetary value specifically, but Amuro reacted to this with indifference.

"A spin, huh? My home gets attacked by Zeon, Zakus are blowing the shit out of innocent people trying to flee for safety and y'all think I thought that it was a perfect time to jump into the giant robot sitting out in the open and take it for a joyride."

Wakkein sighed and gestured emphatically. "No, I'm not saying that."

"You implied I jumped into the Gundam with intentions other than stopping the attack," Amuro argued.

Before Wakkein could deny this, Takizawa pointed out, "You somewhat did, sir."

"The point is!" Wakkein glared at Takizawa briefly before looking back to Amuro. "You can tell us more about what happened, so we can start sorting this out."

Amuro drank his glass of lemonade, and then began pouring himself some more. "My friend Frau Bow and I were on our way to the shelter, when my Dad called me over to the Gundam. He gave me the operation manual and told me to go 'kill those Zeon sons of bitches'. So I did."

Wakkein gaped at Amuro. "Your father gave you the Gundam."

"Yes, it was good that he called us over when he did. If we'd kept going, we would've been blown to bits by the Zaku shooting everywhere like an idiot."

He gripped the glass as he took a drink from it, openly seething with contempt. Wakkein just sighed, while Takizawa regarded the boy with a look of honest sympathy. Amuro noted her gaze, and his harsh expression softened as he lowered his glass back on the table.

"Alright, why did your Father give you the Gundam?" Wakkein asked.

"I imagine it was partly because by that point the majority of all would-be pilots were either dead or dying or realizing that they were going to be dead or dying in the immediate future. Mainly though, I knew the Gundam as well as Dad did, so if anyone was going to pilot it, why not me?"

"Why not your father?"

"Because Dad figured I would be safest in the Gundam, and what do you know, he was right? Shocking!"

So Tem Ray wanted to save his son, interesting. "What happened to Tem?"

"He said he was going to let himself be captured by the Zeon so he could fuck them up from the inside," Amuro explained.

Wakkein stared blankly at Amuro.

"Yeah, it's what he said."

Wakkein closed his eyes and sighed, wondering to himself how desperate the Federation was if they honestly placed the task of building their war-winning weapon in the hands of an unstable man like Tem Ray. In all likelihood, the man was dead, but the kid was already under a lot of stress and was cooperating… so he wasn't going to follow this line of conversation.

"Alright, post battle. What happened afterward and what did Bright tell you?" Amuro was exchanging glances with Takizawa as Wakkein spoke. "Ahem."

Amuro returned his attention to the Commodore. "Well, after I beat the Zeon forces and captured one of their Zakus-."

Wakkein was surprised. "Wait, you captured a Zaku?"

"Yeah, I punched the cockpit until the pilot had the consistency of hamburger, but I caught a Zaku intact, I'm thinking about repairing it; it'll be something to keep me preoccupied." Amuro paused. "But I digress, after I brought the Zaku aboard the ship, Bright congratulated me and said he owed me a beer for being a good sport about all of this."

That matched up, though Captain Cassius, the man in command of the White Base was still in emergency surgery so he couldn't get a testimony from him just yet. "And afterward the White Base left for Luna Two."

"Yeah, I fought the Red Comet himself along the way and managed to drive him off. Though it wasn't too bad, now if it was the Crimson Lightning…"

"Right." Wakkein didn't want to hear it, besides he was pretty sure it was more the Gundam than the kid that made dealing with the Red Comet easy. "That'll be all for now."

The Public Address speaker in the room clicked on with a bit of feedback static, and a male officer's voice spoke. "Commodore Wakkein you are wanted in the sickbay, Captain Cassius has just left emergency surgery and is in recovery."

Wakkein got up. "Right on time, too. Sergeant Takizawa, see Amuro back to confinement with the others. I'll be going on ahead." He looked to Amuro. "Don't cause me anymore trouble, alright? We'll be getting you and your friends someplace safe before you know it."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Amuro said before Wakkein quietly departed the interrogation room. Soon as the door closed, he looked over to Sergeant Takizawa, who smiled politely to him and stepped over to unlock his shackles.

"So," He said as she inserted the key and popped the cuffs, "I didn't get to finish."

The young woman looked up at him, and her brows rose. "Hm?"

Amuro smiled to her. "Want to help?"


"The Eternal(ly Pissed) Captain"


It was then that the explosions caused Luna Two to shudder violently, causing everyone to suddenly fly into the walls adjacent to them and start floating in microgravity. Floating away from the wall, his hat flipping through the air above his head, Wakkein narrowed his eyes before he reached up to grab it. "What was that?"

As the various bridge bunnies of the control center began calling out the rapidly growing list of shit going wrong in the supposedly impenetrable fortress, a call came up on the emergency line. Sergeant (for now) Takizawa picked up the phone and answered it. "Yes? Oh, Ensign, sir…yes? Yes? Oh, I'll tell him."

She looked to Wakkein, her face the picture of professionalism. "Ensign Noa says it was Char, the Zeon are attacking Luna Two to get their hands on the Gundam like he said they would, and he wanted me to add 'Now go kindly eat a dick, Commodore'." She raised her hand in a salute. "Your orders, sir?"

Wakkein put his hat on, and tried his best to allay his frayed nerves. "Bring me Bright Noa's dick roasted over an open fire, but after you launch the Magellan!"

Down in the brig, Amuro was impressed. "Wow, remind me to never bet against you on anything."

"Damn right," Bright replied smugly. "Now let's get out of here. Ryu, get the door."

"You got it, jefe." Ryu said as he headed over to the door and began kicking it with all his might, bracing himself against the frame. As the heavy metal door began to give rapidly under the brawny man's assault, Kai piped up.

"So, how'd you figure Char would attack the base anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. This is the guy who took on five Magellean-class by himself and walked away without a scratch, decided on a lark to swoop in on foot personally to do recon in a hangar full of armed Federation soldiers back at Side Seven, and wears pink and doesn't give a damn."

"So he's either insane, has balls big enough to change the orbit of a colony, or both?" Kai asked.

"I'm betting both."

"My money's in with Bright!" Amuro declared.

"Hey, the door's locks were open because the power went out. But since I bent it already, I figured I'd go all in." Ryu had successfully kicked the door… in half.

"Sheesh, talk about the lowest bidder," Kai said.

"They make the doors themselves," Bright said.

"Well that's even more depressing…"

Amuro stuck his head out the door. "Alright, let's find Mirai and Sayla and get the hell out of this baking space potato."

Bright calmly stepped out and walked over to the adjacent door. Then, mimicking great effort, he wrenched the door open, revealing a pair of lovely young women. A beautiful Asian brunette Bright's age who looked quite relieved to see him, and a slightly younger, stunning blonde who was even happier to see Amuro peeking around their savior.

"That wasn't so hard." Bright said before he looked to them. "Ladies, your heroes have arrived."

"Bright!" Mirai Yashima cheerfully called as she got up and floated over to him.

"Amuro!" Sayla Mass nearly knocked both aside as she flew out and hugged the man they called Tater Salad. Amuro and Sayla spun about in the free fall, nearly slamming into the bulkhead. Glomping in zero-gee was best left to professionals, they both decided.

"Miss me?" Amuro asked.

Sayla smiled. "Tons."

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Kai," Bright said.

"Fuck you, man!"

Bright turned and gestured for the others to follow. "Let's get the hell out of here."


"Our Villain, ladies and gentlemen"


Were Char less genre savvy, he'd wonder how today could get any worse. However, he already knew it was going to, because Admiral Dozle hadn't called yet. Sure enough, there was a transmission from the communications station of the Camel's bridge that Dren immediately reported.

"Lieutenant, it's the Admiral."

Char wished he could pinch the bridge of his nose without compromising his identity. "Main screen turn on."

The main screen did turn on, and there stood a damn near seven foot tall mountain of a battle-scarred man. He looked like the kind of guy you'd see in some Super Robot anime except with a green skin tone and an eye patch, or in some post-apocalyptic martial arts story except with a mohawk and no sense of human dignity whatsoever. But as it was, this was the admiral of the larger of Zeon's many great battle fleets, and one of its top rulers…Dozle Zabi.

"Char, what is your report?" Dozle asked.

"SNAFU, sir," Char replied.

"At least you're honest. What happened this time?"

Char sighed. "Well, when Gadem came to resupply me, the Trojan Horse and its white mobile suit attacked. We were able to offload the Zakus, but the supply ship was destroyed and Gadem was KIA."

Dozle was surprised. "Gadem was killed? He was so close to upgrading to the new Pazock-class, it was his last cruise aboard that old ship."

"Retirony is a bitch, sir."

"Continue."

"The Trojan Horse managed to make it to Luna II, and I executed a daring raid with the intention of capturing it and the entire asteroid base."

"Given that you're SNAFU, I presume you failed spectacularly."

"Oh you have no idea, Admiral. Someone on that ship was either stupid or insane enough to blow up the ship I had blocked the harbor entrance with, turning the asteroid into a makeshift beam cannon that vaporized Righty and severely damaged the Camel."

Dozel's ogre-like face twisted in disbelief. "They did what?"

"I already uploaded the video to Youtube, Admiral, check my channel."

"Righty KIA, I can't believe it!" Dozle stopped. "Wait, how's Lefty taking it? The two of them were good friends."

"He's taking it about as well as a mostly incinerated corpse would, Admiral," Char replied.

"Damn it, man! How many more soldiers are you going to lose?"

"As many as necessary until final victory is achieved, sir!" Char responded forcefully.

Dozle gave pause again, and narrowed his eyes. "Good answer. Now then, I'm sending you three more Zakus, they're for my brother Garma down in North America. However, provided they aren't completely destroyed by your incredible run of bad luck, you may use them in operation against the Trojan Horse."

"Sir you're too generous, thank you. Might I ask why you haven't ripped off my head and defecated down my neck?" Char asked.

"Ah, you see…" Dozle then underwent a nightmarish transformation. He smiled brightly, his cheeks took on a rosy hue, and his eyes gleamed with stars and sparkles as he held up what looked like baby pictures to the camera. "My little girl Mineva just had her first baby pictures taken! Isn't she the most adorable thing you've ever seen? She has her mother's hair and she's got my lungs, she woke up the whole mansion last night and I rocked her to sleep. It was the most precious thing!"

Oh God. If there was anything worse than a Zeon officer chewing him out, it was one gushing over his latest sprog. They were turning into rabbits, space rabbits. "Of course, I can only imagine, sir."

Of all of them to breed successfully, how could it have possibly been Dozle? This question would haunt Char for the rest of his life.

"Now then, when you rendezvous with the resupply fleet, do try to avoid another disastrous ambush." Dozle had returned to his more orcish facade. "And tell my little brother I said hello."

Char was curious. "Not to be rude, but can't you tell him yourself, sir?"

"He hasn't been speaking to any of us since the last family dinner. I'm certain he's upset about something Gihren or Kycillia did."

Huh, must've been that scorpion thing he tweeted about, whatever that was. "Of course sir, I'll put in a good word for you."

"Thank you, Char. Now if you don't mind, I must be going. Zenna bought me a Grizzly Bear and wants to see me kill it with my bare hands." The connection broke.

Dren looked to Char. "Why on Earth would his wife want to see him kill a grizzly bear?"

"Dren, some women love a man who can provide for them, some women love a man who can sing to them, and still others love a man who can kill thousand pound hellbeasts with their bare hands and turn the pelt into evening wear."


All this and more to be seen in Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino!

[Rob DS Zeta]

I love this.