Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

[Dark Duel]

As I have mentioned here and in a couple of other places, I have for a couple of months now been actively working on a project that's been floating around my brain for literally years.

Essentially, it started when me and a buddy got together and discussed how Gundam Seed Destiny started off really well, and went to crap fast, and we figured we would see how WE would have done it.
The original draft of the story started off exactly the same way, but began to diverge from how the story itself went along at around Phases 13 and 14. I later changed that because I hated the idea of doing a Gundamjack again. So that went out the window; Phases 1-4 went straight to the bin, and the story picks up with Phases 5 and 6. Sort of.
Either way, the five key points were always the following:
1. Through the Eurasian Federation, introduce sympathetic (or at least, protagonistic) Earth Alliance Characters, to balance the scales so that not all EA characters are either fanatical lunatics or brainwashed tykebombs.
2. Significantly alter the portrayal of several characters, most notably CAGALLI, whose catastrophic character deconstruction in GSD pissed me off. Also of course Athrun, who starts out a spineless, indecisive weakling in GSD the way he was for all of two episodes in Seed before getting better. And then got worse. Finally of course, Shinn, who starts out the main character in the series before turning into Durandal's obedient pet raging berserker. In this version, he starts out the main character and STAYS THAT WAY.
3. Tying in to Shinn, I was more than a bit annoyed that the series chose to go the "Kamille-Four" route with Stella. Because being around her was doing wonders for his character, and just when they had a good thing going, they killed her off. Scratch that - she lives.
4. Speaking of which, the next major issue: characters surviving ZOINKS that should have left them dead. NONE OF THAT. You know who you are...
5. Finally, the story is moved forward two years, and I make some changes to the MS roster, some major, most minor. Also, a few changes in terms of ships, and a handful of changes to the cast.

But anyway, enough of all that talk, here it is:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Chapters 4-7 will be up in the near future.
Please R&R!!!

(Final note: This fic takes place in the same continuity as my previous one-shot fic, An Alternate Fate)

[yazi88]

Interesting, I'll keep an eye on this as you keep updating. Still ain't much stories about Destiny rewrites that actually feature Shinn as the main character and its nice to see people still write them but its still so few in between. Most still wank to Kira.

Keep up the good fight.

[Dark Duel]

I know what you mean. Most of the "GSD rewrites" turn Shinn into GSD-Athrun; aka, Kira's "sidekick #2" and then go on to glorify Kira some more.
Not me. I liked Kira in Seed; I liked early-GSD Shinn better. And I did not like GSD Kira at all.
But no, the primary main protagonist is going to be Shinn, with Cagalli and Athrun getting a fair bit of spotlight as well - especially poor Cagalli, who really got shafted in GSD.
I'm still not wholly sure how I'm going to handle Athrun - it depends on a couple of other factors.
But thanks for replying!

[Kratos]

Interesting concept. I find it particularly intriguing, considering that I've just started watching GSD for the first time recently. I'll keep an eye on as I get a bit further in.

EDIT: Apparently I didn't read the intro post. Oops!

[domino]

Hmmm.....interesting changes.

As much as I like the idea of Yzak being the Captain of the Minerva, it doesn't seem to fit. Fortunately, he still deploys in his mobile suit...which DOES fit.

I'm not seeing much development in Shinn and this is 3 chapters in. If I didn't know better, Athrun seems to be the main character moreso than Shinn is. I'm not asking you to change your plans but given how GSD only featured Shinn in battles and "angry moments", I think you should try to show some more of his personality outside of such situations. It'll be hard though because GSD really didn't give Shinn any personality to speak of.

[Dark Duel]

A fair point; because the events that introduce the story so far correspond to a segment of the story where Shinn didn't do much other than verbally tear Cagalli to pieces (which was justified in two of three occasions - he still gets to do that here), he hasn't gotten much spotlight so far; that should begin to change; the next few chapters conclude the introduction of Cagalli and Athrun and finish establishing the background, so after that there'll be almost exclusive focus on the Minerva crew; Additionally, the spotlight shifts next to Shinn and begins to build the relationship between him and Athrun, whom I plan to use as a mentor - and basically a plot device to foster positive growth in Shinn's character.
Anyway, the next set of chapters are up.

Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Essentially equivalent to Eps 8-11, with a slightly fudged timeline and a few unused bits and pieces of dialog pulled from previous episodes. Chapter 4 begins to lay the ground work for the later relationship between Athrun and Shinn(Think Amuro and Kamille during the Zeta Earth arcs.) Chapter 5 is me beginning to fix the horrendous deconstruction of Cagalli's character.

[farjad93]

I noticed you rewrote SEED's ending to let Natarle survive. Will she be featuring at all in this fanfic of yours?

[Dark Duel]

Yes. The bit that was published as "Alternate Fate" was originally the prologue to a much later chapter in the story in which I brought the character back. Because I really liked Natarle.
As the script currently stands she won't really play a major role until late in the story, but I may give her a cameo early on.

[farjad93]

4. Speaking of which, the next major issue: characters surviving ZOINKS that should have left them dead. NONE OF THAT. You know who you are...

I'm guessing Mu La Flaga and Kira?

[Antares]

OK, hopping into this story then. Just a minor aesthetic gripe: in FF the text goes from wall to wall, and it is pretty hard to read especially if the paragraph is large. Consider smaller paragraphs if you can when you post there.

General comments:
Ezalia Jule kept around, and Yzak kept his scar, very nice... Especially the reference to Yzak's own ghosts in ep2 was a good angle.

In ep3 I see you wanted to incorporate Stargazer, which was good, and then you added a twist, which was great. Changed or not, adding Stargazer into the story gives more intertextuality to the whole thing. Only one problem with that scene though: Zala sympathizers would be hard-pressed to get more recent tech, and the Kerberos certainly falls into that category. In GSD and Stargazer their gear is pretty old, even if effectively wielded.

As an Athrun-fan, I'm loving what you're doing with him up until now, at least. In ep4 he's a more sensible version of the mentor that Shinn so sorely could've used in GSD. Instead what he got was Athrun being wishy-washy, and slapping Shinn about and shouting his name instead of stating his grievance clearly (although Shinn getting slapped is still one of my favorite gifs, partially because for that second Athrun grew a spine in the first half of GSD).

The exchange between Athrun and Yzak was close to being heart-warming, and I also think Yzak asking Athrun to come back works very well, and even makes him feel more committed about being back in PLANT than ol' too-good-to-be-true Durandal.
The meeting at Orb was especially golden:

-"Of course." Alex said.
-"ZOINKS." Yzak muttered under his breath, low enough that only Athrun, standing right next to him, heard.

The guy with Verne/Ramius wasn't Andy, was it? Because he and Yzak have met.

Later in ep5 I was nearly beside myself with joy to see Cagalli have a spine, and maybe even grow a pair (in her case it wouldn't be out of place ).


Textual comments:
ep1

Meanwhile onboard the Minerva, he bridge

Also recheck the ship names, you tend to forget italicizing them.

ep2

-"No ZOINKS, Dearka. Remember, we live on one of these." Shiho Hahnenfuss deadpanned.

--> probably one of "those"? Is "deadpanned" a verb that can be used when describing a speech-act? I always thought it was more of a facial expression...

Shinn spotted Athrun's Murasame, still working to position one of the Meteor Breakers. He hesitated. The name of Athrun Zala was legendary[...]

--> I missed it; when did Shinn hear Athrun was on the field? I'm pretty sure he didn't...

ep3

And with that, Athrun turned and left, heading back inside.

--> Athrun left Cagalli with an irate Shinn? I'd rather see them finish the exchange and have Athrun then leave with her, unless this is a conscious thing you're doing for Athrun's development...

ep4
after the golden moment with Yzak telling off Athrun, Yuna, or both of them, you go on to write

"We have taken damage in many coastal areas due to high waves caused by the fall, but thankfully there were no direct hits on Orb itself. The Atlantic Federation has contacted us in the aftermath, and we are currently finalizing a treaty with them."
"What the hell? The Atlantic Federation? What the hell's gotten into you all? Our priority at the moment should be to send immediate aid to the disaster areas!"

--> I had no idea here who was doing the talking until a few lines later. It's confusing; add the speakers to the dialog.
Then, you occasionally use both
"He said..."
-"He said.."
Just use the first way of marking dialog.

So there you go, sorry for the long comments, but I got through 5 eps in one sitting. That alone should show that the story has been entertaining enough so far.

[Dark Duel]

Hey, that's why I'm posting here - I appreciate the feedback. Now, to address what you brought up:
-FF.net is also kind of evil about formatting; I had to go back through post-upload and reformat nearly everything, and I guess I missed a few of the ship names; thanks for bringing that up, I'll go back and correct that and the dialog thing when I get the chance. Probably Tuesday, before I make a couple of changes to and upload Chapter 6.
-Re: Athrun; During the battle in orbit, first Yzak, and then Dearka address Athrun directly by his real name, and Shinn overheard the transmission. I suppose I could make that clearer; I'll give it some thought. As for the later argument, the scene played out that way in the series and I felt it worked well, so I kept it more or less intact.
-Re: The K-BuCUE; Once I upload the mech info somewhere it'll be a little clearer, but the main thing is that the K-BuCUE was, in this version as in canon, introduced in/around CE 73 or so. Since the story takes place two years later, it's been around for a while. There's a couple of other points, but I'll deal with those with a short scene in a later chapter.
-The guy with Murrue was Kojiro Murdoch, the Archangel's chief mechanic.

And one other point:

4. Speaking of which, the next major issue: characters surviving ZOINKS that should have left them dead. NONE OF THAT. You know who you are...

I'm guessing Mu La Flaga and Kira?

Precisely. The former problem I solve by simply using an entirely different character in Neo's role, one who is physically so totally different that the same thing occurring is impossible at any rate. I could have kept Neo in, but I decided not to for story reasons.
The latter...well you'll see soon enough.

[Arbiter GUNDAM]

Kira Yamato should not survive.

[domino]

While I'm happy to hear that Neo will NOT be Mwu, I have to wonder why that character would need to be "Neo" at all. I liked what ShadowCell did with the character but I hope you will do something different.

Why is Yzak being so emo? One would figure that Yzak would still have a bone to pick with Athrun betraying ZAFT and then joining the enemy to cut down ZAFT. I doubt that as stubborn as Yzak is that he'd really think he could do something to stop the backlash that should follow if Athrun returned.

Kira should die? That'd be fun but how about something unexpected? If he and Shinn DO fight, how about it be for a different reason?

[Dark Duel]

1. When I say "Neo's role", I mean simply the CO of the Atlantic Federation/Phantom Pain team that fielded the Chaos, Gaia, and Abyss. No way am I making Lukas a low-rent Rau wannabe. I don't plan on doing that to Rey, either.

2. The conversation between Athrun and Yzak is one that, in the series, took place between Athrun, Yzak and Dearka when Athrun went to the PLANTs. It was a really nice moment and one that I felt was instrumental in Athrun's decision to return to ZAFT. For that reason, I chose to keep that in there, and make it a private conversation between Yzak and Athrun before they arrive in Orb. I also liked it because it's so rare for Yzak to be so honest and un-snarky, and I liked that aspect of his character.

3. A different reason, huh? Well, I don't want to get into spoilers so I won't say what I've got planned. But I'd be curious to hear your ideas.


Also, I went in and made a few clarifications to the conversation between Cagalli and the Seirans in Chapter 4 and the bit with Shinn and Athrun's Murasame in Chp2, plus corrected the formatting for the ship names wherever I found the errors.
Thanks to farjad93 for pointing those out.

[domino]

Yup, Rey was also underserved by the writers!

The reasoning is up to you really.

I think Kira should be given a death worthy of a Gundam pilot especially a protagonist. I also think he should be fighting for something more than the flippant reasons given in GSD. Basically, I find it VERY hard to believe that Kira would've been interested in getting into a mobile suit again after the war at the end of SEED furthermore maintaining his Gundam "just in case" the day ever came.

I think I'd like to see a very different Kira who was affected by the events of SEED but has moved past them (or not) - kinda like how Amuro and Char were scarred by the events of the OYW but were trying to move past them in their own individual ways.

[farjad93]

I look forward to how you approach this story. Will your new "Neo" have a Char style mask? On a more serious note, if you do decide to kill Kira off, I would personally like to see a different approach taken. Instead of dying at the hands of Shinn, how about a different situation? Or why not just let him live? In the end, it's your fanfic - just some suggestions.

Also, I went in and made a few clarifications to the conversation between Cagalli and the Seirans in Chapter 4 and the bit with Shinn and Athrun's Murasame in Chp2, plus corrected the formatting for the ship names wherever I found the errors.
Thanks to farjad93 for pointing those out.

Thanks, but I believe the one who actually pointed the errors out was Antares

[Dark Duel]

Oops. That's what I get for posting from work *facepalm*
Well in that case, thanks to Antares.

As for your questions:
- No, Lukas does not get a mask.
- Hell, I was originally going to kill off Athrun as well, and have that be the main reason Shinn is so hugely pissed off at Kira, since the other thing ends up not happening. I changed my mind and decided to keep Athrun alive, but Kira's still gonna get it.

Anyway, Chapter 6 is up.

[yazi88]

Sweet, chapter 6 is out, look forward to chapter 7.

[domino]

Killing Athrun actually sounds REALLY interesting.

I feel a bit sad that you spoiled that plot-twist and also will not include it.

That said, if you had thoughts to killing Athrun then I suspect we can look forward to other interesting plot-twists.

[Antares]

Well in that case, thanks to Antares.

/martyr mode on/ ... /martyr mode off/

domino said:

Killing Athrun actually sounds REALLY interesting.

HERESY! Thou shalt not wish death of the blue-haired one.

Checked out ep 6, was really surprised to see how Cagalli handled Yuna. I dunno, he had that coming but now that she's done it already there isn't the same pleasure of waiting it to happen.
You handled the introduction of the Zamza-Zah (sp?) nicely enough, although I still think the deuterion beam is massively cheesy. It's funny, I always end up missing Auel, Sting and Stellar in those scenes, and I'm quite interested to see how, if at all, you'll handle Shinn's possible love interests. Looking forward to seeing what you have lined up next.