Okay, first a disclaimer. I don't try to mooch off
Thundermuffin's popularity (well, maybe just a tad
), since I cannot compete with ATEOGSD, but since Gundam is so easily twisted into parody, and I like to laugh just as the next man, and moreover I don't think my work is in anyways exempt from the same ridicule, this was something I had to do to get out some of the more ridiculous aspects that threatened to turn the whole script into a parody. Although I am not all that adverse to parody as such, I felt it would ruin the occasionally called for serious atmosphere of the main story. So this is just random silliness, mixed in with a dash of fanservice.
So here we go, GSP
episode 37.5. If you think it is funny enough, I'll put it up on the main site as well. If you get even a single LOL out of it, then I am happy. Warning: Some knowledge of my cast is required for the gags to have any foundation.
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[The scene starts with an empty stage in some ritzy Hollywood establishment, an old but distinguished theatre. There is a crowd outside, people yammering to get in. The brightly glowing neon lights displays proudly that today’s big bash is about the
Gundam Seed Phoenix mid-season cast party, whereas tomorrow’s feature is “Cosmic Era Stock Footage Festivalâ€. In side the theatre itself there is a huge hall bedecked with incredible decorations with a tiny “Banrise†stamp on everything. Every possible Banrise franchise, including Eureka 7, is not-so-cleverly snuck into artwork. In the hall itself there is an orchestra in the pit at front of the stage and rows upon rows of viewers, as well as people on the rafters are breathlessly waiting for the show to being. The orchestra strikes a chord, and the drum rolls. The announcer’s voice echoes in the hall.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our hosts for this evening… The king of all things emo and angst, Shinn Asuka!
[Enter Shinn in a tuxedo from left side of the stage, waving to the crowd, blushing and grinding his teeth at the same time.]
Shinn: [inaudibly for the corner of his mouth] Pfft. Emo and angst? Like nobody remembers Kira and the first half of SEED anymore.
[Lunamaria is standing in the wings behind Shinn, in an elegant evening dress. She whispers fiercely to Shinn over the orchestra playing him in.]
Lunamaria: Don’t even think like that! He’ll shake your hand and make you cry again!
[Shinn waves with a frozen smile on his face and makes his way to the podium in the middle. The announcer continues.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s co-host, the man who can put the “shrill†into “screamingâ€, Yzak Jule!
[Yzak enters the stage from the right stage, with a large ruffle-tie on his purple tuxedo. Yzak’s face has his trademark perpetual scowl and he barely resists the urge to scream the announcer to shut up. Then he notices that Shinn is almost to the podium already, and speeds up. Shinn sees Yzak’s pace get faster, frowns, and also speeds up. They both end up running for the podium with Shinn reaching it first, but then Yzak tackling him to the side, grabbing the mic. Shinn pouts as Yzak ignores the teleprompter and the frantic handsigns of the director at the foot of the stage.]
Yzak: Yes, welcome everyone to this gala not by any means put up to cater for the bloated egos of Athrun Zala and Kira Yamato. Our heroes, everyone!
[The spotlight goes to the front row, where Athrun is bewildered, sitting next to Cagalli, but Kira and Lacus, the prior wearing a plain white robe and serenely holds his eyes closed, are seated on the fourth row. The spotlight somehow manages to make the slightest hint of a halo over his head. Lacus sitting next to her is also pouting.]
Lacus: [huffing, grumbling] They said they can’t fit one of my songs in but then they give the hosting to second-rate characters like Jule and Asuka. Hmmph!
Yzak: [faking sympathy] Oh what is this? Since Kira has been absent for the most of the new series, can it be he has been demoted to a fourth tier character?
Athrun: [looks around him] Actually, you’re right. [points at Dearka] Hey blondie, switch place with my homie. He needs to sit with up front with the winners.
Dearka: [stammers, shocked and outraged] But I thought you hated him!
Athrun: [laughs good-nautredly] Oh anything for the ratings. Now git. [jerks this thumb]
[With some commotion, the switch is performed, and even Lacus seems a bit happier now.]
Yzak: We’ve all seen Athrun’s antics so far, with people heavily divided on the righteousness of his cause. Fear not, Athrun, for as surely as the main script writer is your most ardent fanboy, you shall be fiercely vindicated. Hell, you might even get to beat Kira for once!
[The serene face in the front row goes blank.]
Kira: Hmmh? Hey, wait, what?
Yzak: Oh yes, and the perks of having the main part always is so hard to bear. [feigns Athrun’s voice] Everything goes bad, nobody loves or understands me, boohoohoo…
Athrun: At least I get to park next to the set, unlike some others who don’t even get paid enough to rent a car.
Kira: [indistinctly, offscreen] What did he mean by Athrun owning me? That can’t happen, I’m the main character! Again. Or am I?
Yzak: [fuming at Athrun, but continues nonetheless] And Kira Yamato has been long absent, some had even hoped he would never come back. Yet here he is.
[A image of Kira and the apron with the heart on it is projected on a screen over the stage. And the crowd laughs dutifully, but not too loudly just in case.]
Kira: I only did that because I am secure in my sexuality. [a pause] Aren’t I, dear? [looking at Lacus]
Lacus&Athrun&Cagalli: Oh yes, absolutely.
Kira: [oblivious] That was what I thought. Now, if I could return back to
this part about Athrun beating me…
Athrun: [nods sagely] I like to think of it as “whipping your ass goodâ€.
Cagalli: [frowns] So with him whips are okay? Figures.
[Shinn makes a successful grab for the mic, shoving Yzak in the process so hard that he stumbles and falls into the pit of the orchestra with the appropriate twang of innocent musical instruments in sudden pain.]
Shinn: It seems that most people wanted to see more Kira on Athrun action… [waggling his eyebrows suggestively to the general mirth of the public, with Mongoose giving a wolf call from somewhere in the rafters] …ever since the SAVIOR.
Kira: [reacting to the last word] But I’m still right here.
Lacus: [pulling on the hem of his robe] Sit down, honey. You’re making a scene.
Shinn: Oh yes, the awesome-sauce is yet to come, but before we go into that, we have a special blooper for you from the days of Gundam Seed Destiny. Which, incidentally, was supposed to be my show.
Cagalli: [hollers with hands around her mouth] Get over it!
Shinn: [snarls] Never!
[The clip starts to play on the screen, with the FREEDOM hitting the
SAVIOR, and the right hand is sliced off. Then the image distorts into two kids with corresponding hair colors playing at a sandbox. One has just rammed his fist into the other’s toy truck, breaking it. The blue haired kid starts to cry, and then decidedly throws sand into the brown-haired one’s eyes. The analogy is not very subtle.]
Blue kid: You bwoke my twuck!
Brown kid: [spitting sand] You can’t do that! I can break anyone’s truck I like! [a pause] I always have the prettiest toys, my mum buys them for me. [puts his tongue out]
[A violently flailing-match between the two ensues. The clip ends, and the crowd chuckles again, only Kira and Athrun are not laughing. Even Cagalli is holding her sides.]
Cagalli: [gasping for air] T-that was adorable! H… he.. he sounded just like you!
Athrun: [voice dead-calm] Kira, I think it’s time to dethrone the punk again.
Kira: Agreed.
[The two leave their seats stealthily, as an ad comes up on the screen. The advertisement asks with bold letters if someone has “bwoken your truck?â€. The solution is to buy a new truck from BANRISE, the main retail seller of all kinds of cheap model crap displayed on screen now. As the ad ends, Shinn moves on.]
Shinn: And here we find the secondary cast, surprisingly enough found on the secondary row!
[Among others, Ramius, Waldfeld and Dearka all smile benevolently and wave under the spotlight, Dearka’s teeth and hair gel both going “tingâ€. Ramius props Mwu’s head to stop him drooling unconsciously on her shoulder.]
Mongoose: [in the background] Oh come on! The veggie gets to sit in the second row?
Shinn: [smiles benevolently at the second row] But no one cares about them anyway, so let’s go to the real deal, the new cast members!
[The clapping grows stronger as the spotlight hastily moves to the third row, despite muffled protests.]
Shinn: First off, let’s meet the crazies! The EDF crew, please take a bow!
[Locke, Abertes Chiiro, Vries, Dei and the EXTENDED pilots all stand. Viktor has his headphones on. Dei stands out from the row because he has a teal tuxedo, while the rest are all color-coded in black and white.]
Dei: [whispers fiercely to Vries] You were supposed to let everyone know if we had some color-code.
Vries: [from the corner of his mouth] I did. I told everyone who isn’t a stinking Coordinator to wear black and white.
[The spotlight moves to the side from them to show the ZAFT newbies all likewise stand up and bow for the audience. Styx, Lazarr, Daelon, and Hel and Janus, with the latter two held in a leash by Styx. Lazarr pats Daelon on the shoulder as an unbecoming act of camaraderie, and Daelon frowns slightly at that, but doesn’t want to make a scene. By patting his shoulder Lazarr inserted a paper on Daelon’s back saying “Spank me, I am really Durandal in dragâ€, which causes merriment all around. From there the camera moves again to get the Hammer pilots up, LeCavalier getting up slower than the four aces. Arvin, Nina, Voltaire and Kildare all wave around. Voltaire fondles Nina’s prominent butt through the thin fabric of her dress despite her continuous attempts to keep his hands away.]
Shinn: Here we see another love story that is probably not going to end happily.
Voltaire: [stops groping, confused] Love?
Viktor: [mumbles, confused] Happily?
Lunamaria: [mumbles from the side, at Shinn] Criticism coming from the expert of love himself. Talk about having emotional baggage…
[The camera moves on down the row, locating a group of UPA pilots, namely Ash, Kurogawa, Jerry and Shiho. Kurogwa and Ash sit side by side and wave, and Shiho stands up with Jerry, noticeably uncomfortable in the situation.]
Shinn: And the men brought in their straight-alibis, I see.
Jerry: [snarls, slightly slurring] For the last time, stop with that innuendo! I haven’t got laid once since that shit started!
Kurogawa: That man wears pink socks.
Jerry: [eyes wide with the shock of betrayal] You promised you would never tell!
Kurogawa: [voice rising an octave] And you promised you wouldn’t get drunk and make a scene again!
[In the background Mongoose laughs so hard he falls off the rafters. After the thud of hitting the floor, his unsteady voice is heard though.]
Mongoose: I’m alright!
[Shinn prepares to move into the next segment, but a shadow drops from the top of the stage, as a figure comes down swiftly on a rope. Nightfall, in a smart black tux slams down next to Shinn, kicks his legs from underneath him, and grabs the mic from his hand. Shinn follows Yzak into the pit of the orchestra, landing ass-first into a drum.]
Nightfall: [high-pitched] Usurption!
[Nightfall thinks he might be Myojo Kyoji from S-Cry-Ed (seiyuu: Shiratori Tetsu).]
Shinn: [moaning] Pseudo-Rey! I thought I could trust your genepool… Oh, I think I bwoke my back…
[Nightfall takes the mic suddenly breathes very deeply. His voice takes an older, rasping tone]
Nightfall: Everything has happened as I have foreseen. [pause, searches for something more dramatic] And I will rule the galaxy as father and son!
[No, even Nightfall doesn’t actually know who he is supposed to be.]
[Nightfall prepares to continue, and the crowd is waiting for it breathlessly, but suddenly Athrun clambers up next to him and grabs a hold of him. Nightfall struggles, but then Kira scrambles from the wings in a proper black tux now with a small pot under his arm.]
Athrun: It’s not Shinn but some other punk trying to steal the show! Get him, Kira!
[Kira breaks to a halt in front of Nightfall, and opens the lid from the pot and shoves a ladle in, then pulling it out again and flinging a glob of something steaming, gooey and yellow right smack into Nightfall’s face.]
Kira: You’ve been fondued, bitch!
[Shrieking, Nightfall grabs his face and Athrun drops him into the orchestral pit as well, on top of Shinn no less. A direct hit from the boiling fondue is scorching his face.]
Kira: Wow, I got him good. I didn’t even need to spam more cheese like usual.
[Both Athrun and Kira look down into the pit, as the audience is completely silent.]
Kira: That fondue looks pretty scalding.
Athrun: Yeah, well, he can always wear a mask.
[Both laugh their asses off, and high-five. Kira gives Athrun the mic.]
Athrun: Well folks, it sure has been fun giving you over 37 episodes of crudely written, bordering on childish fanfiction on the Gundam Seed universe. We haven’t seen much fights so far…
Kira: Because you’ve been waiting for me to finally show up, right?
[There drummer hits the coda. The audience is not amused.]
Athrun: But that is about to change. Most of the big talking has now been
talked, and we’re finally going to see a lot of fighting…
Kira: …and talking while fighting.
[Athrun hands the mic over to Kira.]
Kira: We’ve tried to talk about several things, but never get too political. This is, after all, a fanfic written into a world of futuristic mecha where plotholes plague the motorways, severely damaging our suspension of disbelief.
Athrun: [from the background] Nice.
Kira: Thanks. We’ve tried to give a few more problematic issues, and other issues which have no correct answers. Fighting is not what makes a series good, but a general plot and character development. [hastily adding] Although there will be some heavy fighting coming up soon. Finally.
Athrun: Some people might even die.
Kira: [mock worried] But not us, right?
Athrun: Heavens, no.
[The people in the second and third rows are not amused.]
Dearka: You suck!
Kira: And seeing how many people we have here today and the size of the cast, it is inevitable that some expectations on some characters may fall short.
Yzak: [groans from the pit] That’s because you had to come back and the time spent on you couldn’t be spent on us.
[Kira, while looking away and whistling innocently, casually dislodges the fondue poton the edge of the stage with his foot, and the resounding crash and sizzle of the fondue almost muffles Yzak’s screams.]
Athrun: I always thought he looked better with a scar on his face.
Kira: But the bottom line is that we’re only trying to get some enjoyment value out of this. Please try to bear with us to the end. Thank you.
Athrun: [bows] Thank you.
[The pair walk off, and the curtains start to be pulled in front. A few hesitant claps slowly escalates into a roaring thunder, as everything GUNDAM –related tends to. It isn’t necessarily good, but at least it is GUNDAM. The camera zooms to Kira and Athrun exiting the stage.]
Athrun: That was pretty good, wasn’t it?
Kira: Yes, but what was all that talk about you kicking my ass? As jokes go I appreciate those as much as the next man, but this one…
Athrun: Hey, I could hack you into pieces and blow you into pieces and you’d still make a comeback.
Kira: True, but it is the principle of the matter.
Athrun: [sarcastically] Oh yes, how it sucks to be you. That cross on your
back feels mighty heavy right now, don’t it?
[Kira’s whining fades away. The curtains close, and the people rise to leave. Dearka fishes out a flask of liquor from his chest pocket only to have it nabbed by Ramius, who corks it quickly and takes a hearty siwg. Waldfeld is reaching for it next.]
Waldfeld: Give it here. After seeing that I think I will need a whole lot more than that to forget and forgive myself for being a part of this.
[The screen slowly starts to fade out, with the cursive text “FIN†left in the end.]
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