Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:06 pm

Still no new chapter just yet, although the next one is nearly ready and I am hoping to have it done by tomorrow.
I've been focusing on getting my wiki up to speed on mobile suits, and with the addition of the GuAIZ/GuAIZ-R, Saviour Gundam, Zamza-Zah, and Gells-Ghe, I am nearly caught up with ZAFT and the Alliance. Orb itself is done for now, and I just need to put up the Clyne Faction machines (not that difficult, as there're only three of them).
Once that's done, the ships, then the most time-consuming part of all: The characters themselves.

And yes, I did do some minor editing of the Saviour Gundam MS lineart. I was originally going to use the Vent Saviour recolor I did a while back, but I was fiddling with my Saviour Gundam 1/100-scale kit this afternoon and I realized that actually, the original Saviour's setup is quite a bit more streamlined. However, I still prefer the Vent Saviour's head design, so I took the original Saviour lineart from the old GO site and 'shopped a Vent Saviour-style head on it. Then I tweaked the colors a bit.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:10 pm

Sweet, I can't wait. This is one of da best fanfics I've read in a long time, especially when it comes to GSD rewrites.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:08 am

Thank you.
Anyway, Chapter 14 is up, and as its title indicates it parallels episode 24 of the series. Nearly halfway through!
Obviously given what's happened so far there are some differences from canon...Like in canon, it does not end well. Actually, it probably ends up being a bit worse than canon in terms of how the conversation ends.

Next chapter was originally going to follow up with the Lodonia incident and begin that character arc, but I had a really crazy idea for something else. So the Lodonia arc will begin with Chapter 16.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:26 am

^Just read it. Sweet stuff. I noticed those differences from canon that you mentioned, but it is to be expected from a rewrite and they are for the better, to be honest.

I'm VERY excited for the Lodonia arc. I'm looking forward for more of this great piece of work. You have my undying support, Duel. :mrgreen:
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:59 pm

And yet the anger he felt - not at Kira, nor anyone else, but at his own weakness, his failure to prevent what had happened to both of them...It was all too familiar.
Yeeeees, very good. :)

Kira actually mourning was a good touch, too. There is a risk that he isn't thinking clearly. That is a chink in the Archangel's armor of self-righteousness, which was sorely lacking in GSD.

And all in all, I think you played off the exchange between Kira and Athrun beautifully. Both had their angry moments, and both had to pause and reflect, as one would expect of them.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:56 pm

Oh, he definitely isn't thinking too clearly. And next chapter I'm going to be pushing his buttons some more before returning to focus on Shinn. Chapter 16, as I've said above, marks the start of the next major arc for him, and it's one that I will be leaving largely intact in terms of the major events that take place. Mostly. Obviously there will be a few changes...
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Sat Jun 23, 2012 12:21 am

^IMMA DIE! Can't wait for next chapter.

I'll have to do with the chapters that are already here, lol.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:51 am

Well, I've added brief histories for all the mobile suits that are on the wiki so far, and I've completed(mostly) the creation of profiles for the MS we've seen to date. I've yet to add lineart of the various Striker Packs for the Dagger L or Windam, but that'll come later. I've also put up the Freedom. The ships and characters will come later.

Also, another two-chapter update this week for the story itself(don't get too used to these - writing enough to put up two chapters at once is way too much work >_<),
Chapter 15
This Chapter actually originally did not exist in my outline, which is why there's two chapters this week. I had the originally planned Chapter 15 about halfway done last week, but then I saw this question in one of the reviews:
Will Kira now date Meer since Flay and Lacus are now dead?
Now originally, Kira and Meer were never even supposed to meet at all in my version - so that wasn't going to happen. But what if they did? How would Kira, given how bitter he is about what happened to Lacus and still grieving over the loss - as well as his very negative view of Durendal and the PLANTs, as established in Chp14 - react if he met her.
Obviously, Kira wasn't going to go for Meer romantically - one of the reasons being that she's impersonating Lacus, which we've already established he has a big problem with. But the idea was just too interesting to me not to write. The rest of the chapter consists of elements that were originally in the next chapter, which I moved here to be able to focus more exclusively on the important stuff in that one.

Speaking of which, then there's Chapter 16, which was originally going to be Chapter 15. This one parallels the canonical Phase 25, bringing us therefore to the approximate halfway point of the story. A few differences, but mostly intact because this and the next half-dozen episodes IMO were, with two exceptions, some of the most brilliantly handled episodes in the series.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:01 pm

Chapter 17's up.
Again, not a whole lot's changed; Since the second half of 26 is cut(what with Lacus being dead and all) and kinda-sorta replaced with Canard and Andrew going up(as previously told in Chapter 15), this chapter deals mainly with the first half of episode 26, then skips to episode 27, ending just as the battle is about to begin.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:32 pm

Chapter fifteen:
And that together with them he against both sides to end the war.
--> something is missing there. :)
I don't think you need to worry too much about Orb, brother. By now Lady Cagalli is almost certainly back[...]
--> it's somehow amusing that Canard can feel a connection to Kira, and not Cagalli, who is in turn Kira's sister. But I think that is quite natural in your story, just something I wanted to mention.
-"Sorry." Said the taller of the two. "I'm Canard Pars. This is my brother Kira."
--> I can see how Canard would make for a very, very bad secret agent. :D Maybe he wouldn't just tell her (and whoever was near) their names. I would imagine especially some people Durandal had set to guarding Meer would know very well who Kira Yamato is (and the same goes for Andy; it's not like he's hard to miss in a crowd, even).
The anger, the anguish she heard in that reply, though...she guessed he had really loved her. She couldn't even come close to imagine the pain he was in.
--> Or psychotic. No need to make things too easy for Kira here; going off like that would likely get him tazed by the suits, or at least they might try.
"Chairman Durendal wouldn't do that." She said thickly through her tears, as much trying to convince herself as the others.
--> Again, this comes too quick to Meer's mind that the chairman would somehow be involved. He hasn't struck me as being overtly capable of such leaps of judgment before.

Episode 16:
-"Zip it, you insubordinate little punk." the Minerva's captain snapped.
--> good one! :D
-"You're kidding me." Lukas muttered. If ZAFT had found Lodonia, that was trouble.
--> did cruise missiles work on Earth regardless of the N-Jammers? I might've expected the Jones to carry a few, and they'd try to slam them into Lodonia, preferably with the Minerva still there...
"Idiots. Why did you let her out?" He asked harshly. Then he turned towards the hatch, and saw that they hadn't. She had literally blasted the hangar open.

At Lodonia meanwhile, Yzak and Arthur, along with Athrun and Shinn, had entered the lab and were exploring it.
--> I recommend adding a clearer change in venue here, like using a row of dashes or something to mark the shift.

Episode 17:
"If it does show up, you won't have any problems, will you?"

-"Yes, that's right." Yuna said.

--> Yuna's answer doesn't fit the question posed.

We will take up our own position and prepare to attack the Minerva when it arrives."

On the bridge of the Archangel, Murrue, Kira and the rest of the crew were likewise discussing the same situation.

--> again, mark the change of venue more clearly. it's more pleasant to read that way.

Anyway, good going. I suppose we'll get into proper fighting soon enough since the last three episodes have been primarily setting up for it. No problems here.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:45 am

Re: Corrections
SpoilerShow
15.
- Oops. Lost a verb there. Fixed.
- Meh. It was more a respect thing(Cagalli's a head of state; Kira is not) and the fact that yes, Canard does have a closer connection to Kira than to her. No skin off my back either way though.
- Yeah, secrecy/deception - not Canard's thing AT ALL. As for Andy, well pretty much anyone who's ever been in the PLANTs would know of him, so to even attempt the deception would be pointless.
- I guess so. Of course, it's not like he's physically attacking her per se. I'll give it some thought.
- Fair enough. I could try to rewrite that, but it's late, I'm lazy, and frankly it's not critical to the chapter. *snip*

16.
- I thought so too :D.
- Honestly, I hadn't given it all that much thought; I wanted the Minerva to have a really heavy-hitting weapon other than the Tannhauser, and a really big missile seemed to be a good choice. I just handwaved it as newer tech and left it at that.

17.
- Meh. Good point.
Yeah, next chapter will be the battle itself, and then we move on to the conclusion of the Shinn/Stella arc over the next chapter or so, followed by of course the Destroy Gundam incident. Though so far I've by and large stuck pretty close to canon because this stretch of episodes(recaps aside) were IMO among some of the better-written ones, these next few chapters will see two major divergences from canon, with a third one soon after that.
Beyond that...who knows?
Ideally, I should have the next chapter written tomorrow.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Sun Jul 15, 2012 12:10 am

// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

Antares
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:44 pm

Right, then. I'mma commenting.
Shinn had once again found himself under attack by the Aegis, and was still engaging the enemy amphibious machine
You mean Abyss?

Also kudos on you having someone at least try to shoot down one of the Flyers that the Impulse used... I found that entire weapon system so ridiculous as an idea that in my own fic I had the Impulse demolished in the OVA between GSD and my own fic proper. :D
-"Then send out the Sword Silhouette." Shinn demanded. "I'm taking out their ships!"

"We're almost there - finish it off!" Yuna exclaimed onboard the Takemikazuchi, "
Once more I repeat my suggestion add something, like just
---
when you shift perspective. It makes it easier to follow where the perspective of the story is and who is doing the talking.
At that moment, an alarm bell rang in the Saviour's cockpit. Athrun glanced down at the console, but in that instant Kira turned on the Saviour and struck with both beam sabers. As Athrun tried to parry, the first attack severed his machine's arms, taking with them both the back-mounted weapons units, and with a follow-up strike Kira severed the Saviour in two just below the waist. An explosion tore through the Saviour's lower torso as the crippled machine began to fall, and it slammed into the surface of the water below.
This was OK, but in case you're doing this in the way we talked about, maybe add a little something extra in there. Like Kira frowning at the damage he did, or something similar. Or not, your call. :)
Especially since later, Kira thinks on it:
Seeing the scene unfold, Kira returned to the Archangel, and soon enough they too were underway, disappearing underneath the waves. As he left the Freedom's cockpit, he thought of Athrun's words, and regretted that he had had to fight against him again. And in light of what had happened, doubt again insinuated itself into his mind as he wondered whether Athrun had been right. Had it really been his fault that all this had happened?
Here he seems quite convinced he hadn't killed Athrun, or appears very emotionally nonplussed anyway. Even when aiming to disable, accidents do happen...
He dimly remembered the words, but it was the man who had spoken them he recalled most distinctly. He had taken him in when he had no one left, and after a few months, had arranged for him to go, alone, to the PLANTs.

And he had nearly killed him.

Suddenly, it was over. There were no enemies, no battle. None of that mattered anymore. He stowed his blades and opened a communication to the Orb ship. Then he removed his helmet
I was left thinking that maybe having Shinn go berserk on them regardless would be even more powerful (the message of surrender would come too late?), but then again that would just reinforce his image from GSD as an emotionally unstable douche. :P
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Sun Jul 15, 2012 6:50 pm

Re; 1-3: Corrections made. That's what I get for doing this late at night when I should be sleeping >_<.
-4: This was actually a key point that my original co-author and I for this project had many an argument about; he wanted to keep the Takemikazuchi being destroyed, which I was adamantly against precisely because, as you said, it "would just reinforce his image from GSD as an emotionally unstable douche."
I had another reason for it too, but that's getting into spoilers. But mostly it was that.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

Antares
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:09 am

Hey there. Everything alright? I'm guessing life with its various complications might've caused a slight delay in the publishing schedule. Don't I know it; it took me more years than I care to remember to finish my own fic. I hope all is well and you have another chapter for us some time in the future.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:40 am

Yeah, sorry. I've been ill, plus major computer problems and a couple of other issues have forced me to put the work on temporary hiatus.
I should be able to get everything settled back in and start up work again within the week.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Mon Nov 19, 2012 5:30 pm

Dark Duel wrote:CHAPTER 18 IS UP
Seems things have gotten quite intense since the last eight chapters: Kira has started to doubt his decision to start being the interventionist, Cagallli's own intervention seems to have worked for once, and Todaka...that man, got what he deserved. I don't want to say any further because I want people seeing this thread to actually read the fic and not just say "hey yeah huh" by reading our comments here.

Overall, great work, Dark Duel. The chapters have been getting better the more you update. I disappeared for a couple of months and couldn't review your fic, but I'l try to keep up with your updating pace.

tl;dr keep up the good work and I love this fic. :mrgreen:
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:44 am

Well, after a few months and a minor crisis that resulted in the loss of most of what I'd written, I decided to go back and start over. Sort of.
I made a few minor changes to both the Prologue as well as the story itself. A lot has stayed the same, a few things have changed.

Anyway:
Prologue: Alternate Fate

Phase 1.
Phase 2.
Phase 3.
Phase 4. Some significant changes here, cutting down a bit on how much coverage Cagalli gets and giving Shinn a bit more spotlight - in particular, expanding the encounter between him and Kira.
Phase 5.
Phase 6.
Phase 7.
Phase 8.
Phase 9.
Phase 10.
Phase 11.
Phase 12.
Phase 13.
Phase 14.
Phase 15. First part of this chapter is still the same, but I ditched the second half - which was really just filler, and which I was unable to recover in any case - and combined it with what used to be Chapter 16.
Phase 16.
Phase 17.

I'll get everything reuploaded and get caught up to where it was over the next day or so, and then I can start putting up some new stuff.

EDIT: Caught up. I'll start getting new stuff up next weekend.
Last edited by Dark Duel on Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by yazi88 » Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:35 am

Great to see you're still updating although sorry to hear that you lost most of your data.

Keep up the good work.

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:27 pm

Thanks. I'm finally caught up with the current version's Chapter 17 (which equates to the previous Chapter 18 - see notes above), so next weekend I can start getting new stuff up.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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