Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

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Antares
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Tue May 22, 2012 2:32 pm

In chapter 10:
Shinn hesitated for a second, before replying with absolute certainty.
-"Yes, I do." Athrun sighed.
I believe either that this is Shinn speaking, or Athrun sighing after Shinn has spoken, in which case I'd put it on a separate line to avoid confusion.

I think you captured the difference between Shinn and Athrun in the aftermath of the incidence well; Athrun, the cynical veteran, could see the uglier side of liberating oppressed people, while Shinn was on his heroic high. It is not yet time for him to really be hit home on the subject of human cruelty against the powerless, Athrun's previous lecture to him nonwithstanding.

With Lacus dead, though, I have a hard time imagining Athrun still giving the chariman the benefit of the doubt, especially since Meer is out and about.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Tue May 22, 2012 3:52 pm

Antares wrote:In chapter 10:
Shinn hesitated for a second, before replying with absolute certainty.
-"Yes, I do." Athrun sighed.
I believe either that this is Shinn speaking, or Athrun sighing after Shinn has spoken, in which case I'd put it on a separate line to avoid confusion.
Whoops, you're right. I'll correct that real quick.
Antares wrote:I think you captured the difference between Shinn and Athrun in the aftermath of the incidence well; Athrun, the cynical veteran, could see the uglier side of liberating oppressed people, while Shinn was on his heroic high. It is not yet time for him to really be hit home on the subject of human cruelty against the powerless, Athrun's previous lecture to him nonwithstanding.
Thank you - that's actually precisely what I was going for; Shinn, angry and resentful as he is, remains somewhat naive up to a point, and as you stated is still on a "heroic high" after the Indian Ocean incident. And in spite of his conversation with Athrun, you see the same thing occur again at the end of the chapter, when Athrun notices the EA officers being lined up and executed, while Shinn is blissfully oblivious to this darker aspect of their victory.
He will eventually learn that lesson. I just haven't yet decided when or how, though I have two or three ideas.
Antares wrote:With Lacus dead, though, I have a hard time imagining Athrun still giving the chariman the benefit of the doubt, especially since Meer is out and about.
To be honest, the way the story unfolds post-Angel Down is still a work in progress at this point, as for a variety of reasons I have had to discard my initial outline for this project.
Athrun still does not know that Lacus is dead at this point, though his learning of this is going to be a point that will have to be addressed.
The one wild card at this point remains Durendal - I'm still not quite sure where I want to go with him just yet.
I'm open to ideas, if anyone's got one that doesn't involve that whole silly "Destiny Plan" schtick.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Wed May 23, 2012 7:34 am

Anything that doesn't make Durandal the clever manipulator turn into a kitten-stomper and thus giving the TSA their righteous attitude to depose him would be swell. ;)

I might see Athrun being set in Durandel's crosshairs quick enough since A) he might guess that an assassinated Lacus will push Athrun to decisive action, and B ) if that decisive action is not beneficial to PLANT, Athrun is a liability. I might even suggest putting Rey to task to shooting Athrun from behind, from which he of course survives. I might have a few ideas on that, if you want to bounce a few at me via PM.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by domino » Mon May 28, 2012 9:32 am

The absolute WORST thing that you can do in my opinion is to write this fanfic in the way that we tell you. Nobody likes it when a Gundam series seems to bend to the will of the fans so why should a fanfic?

I've complained a bit about the lack of Shinn-time in the first few chapters but I'd rather write my own fanfic than read a fanfic where I could dictate what was going to happen.

Just saying all of that to say that you should pursue your vision of this story without fear of how we will take it.

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Mon May 28, 2012 11:22 pm

I didn't get around to putting up a chapter last week because I was really busy with work and classes, so I didn't quite get finished.
However, I did get it done, so here's CHAPTER 11.

And because I had time to do it all today, CHAPTER 12 is up too.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

Antares
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Tue May 29, 2012 5:50 am

In chapter 12:
-"She wouldn't? But why not?" Athrun groaned, exasperated.
Meer talking, Athrun responding, on the same line. Again, confusing. :)
-"Of course." The officer she had addressed as Heine replied, then turned to Athrun. "There was so much going on yesterday that you and I were never properly introduced. I'm Heine Westenfluss, of the Special Forces. It's a pleasure to meet you, Athrun."
Do you want Heine to be this casual, here, using Athrun's first name already? And it seems funny that Athrun sticks to calling him "sir" regardless. ;)
"Hey...that's the girl from yesterday." He mumbled, the memory of the incident still causing him to blush slightly. He smiled, closing his eyes and listening. Then he heard a sudden cry, quickly cut off, and a splash.

"Hey...did she fall over?" He asked, slightly nervous. He ran over to where he'd last seen her, and sure enough she had fallen in.
Having Shinn talking out loud to himself doesn't make him appear the sharpest tool in the shed. :D Use inner monologue for reflective thinking, you can either write that in (e.g. Shinn recognized her as the girls from the day before, and the memory of the incident still...) or use cursive to show an inner monologue (which seems to be quite standard).
-"It's...kind of a long story." Shinn said vaguely. Athrun rolled his eyes, and he piloted the launch - a big RHIB* - close enough for Shinn and the girl to get in. Then he turned around and headed back towards shore.
What's a RHIB? I thought the asterisk promised an explanation later on but I couldn't find it...
In the Jeep, Shinn turned to look back in the direction the other car had gone, hoping that, as unlikely as it seemed to him, he would see her again...
Now that you mentioned it, I suddenly had to wonder that even in GSD they never got so far as to change cell phone numbers. I would assume those still exist. Of course, it isn't important for the plot as such, but just a small tech-gap I noticed. No changes required. :)
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Tue May 29, 2012 2:41 pm

Well, we know cellphones exist, since Mayu Asuka had one, and Shinn still has it.
On the other hand, I very seriously doubt that Stella would have one; given their outlook on the matter, it seems unlikely that the Alliance would allow Extendeds to have a cellphone.
Antares wrote:In chapter 12:
-"Of course." The officer she had addressed as Heine replied, then turned to Athrun. "There was so much going on yesterday that you and I were never properly introduced. I'm Heine Westenfluss, of the Special Forces. It's a pleasure to meet you, Athrun."
Do you want Heine to be this casual, here, using Athrun's first name already? And it seems funny that Athrun sticks to calling him "sir" regardless. ;)
Well, he actually was that casual in the episode this chapter was based on, and I saw no reason to change it. Especially given this is one of the things I liked the most about Heine.
Antares wrote:What's a RHIB? I thought the asterisk promised an explanation later on but I couldn't find it...
I could've sworn I edited that...anyway, a RHIB is a Rigid-Hulled Inflatable Boat - basically it's a kind of Zodiac. You see them used in various navies as patrol boats and lightweight transport craft.

Anyway, I'll go in and make the relevant corrections.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Wed May 30, 2012 3:31 pm

I'm guessing you did have the acronym explained (and from GSD footage I had a pretty good idea what you meant), but FF.net formatting just excluded it somehow.

Regarding Heine, that's fine.

Point about Mayu's cellphone in Shinn's hands is a good point; it just seems that they use that piece of technology very rarely in the shows. I suppose they tend to have radios in military context and those are more reliable...
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:02 pm

Chapter 13 is up.
Not much to say other than that, except that I'm making some progress in terms of putting together an online database of the stuff that's changed in the story; I've got most of the ZAFT mobile suits seen so far done, and a few of the Alliance units.
Link to be added once that's done.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:25 pm

I really like this fic, Dark Duel. I'm expecting more awesomeness.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by yazi88 » Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:41 pm

Damn, so Rey's dead? Quite a departure right there but hey at least Heine lived....

Can't wait for the next update.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:29 am

Well, this one's a bit of a departure from the norm. Not a new chapter per se (I may be able to get one up, but no promises - unfortunately, I have a crapton of work for class this week), but as previously promised, links to the profiles for what's been completed as far as mecha so far. It's a bit bare because I haven't written the history yet for 'em, but anyway:

TSX-MA24F Chaos
GAT-X731 Abyss
GAT-X388 Gaia
ZGMF-X56S Impulse
ZGMF-1000 ZAKU Warrior
ZGMF-2000 GOUF Ignited
Next up will be the Saviour, then the rest of the Alliance machines.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Antares » Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:45 am

You added escape pods to grunt suits? But... that just makes sense! How dare you make endless sacrifices of grunts redundant? :D

In my own fic I only allowed Gundams to have escape pods (real escape pods, not the kind where Kira-just-shut-down-the-reactor-on-time kind of "escape pods"). I'm surprised the Coordinator pilots hadn't gone on strike after the First Bloody Valentine War.
"You tell me you can roll out an entirely new series of mobile suits within a few years, but you can't manage to fit in an escape pod into a single design line?"
Given the low birthrates of Coordinators, one would've imagined they'd gone the Innovade way a long time ago.
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:52 am

I'm actually glad you added escape pods, Mr. Duel. I always wondered why the hell Char was the only one who had the idea of having (let alone using) the escape pods in his mobile suits. The only other people I can think of is Yazan Gable and the Innovades.

The inclusion of escape pods actually makes it more realistic, so yeah, I like this thing you included here.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:48 pm

Well, to be honest the CE kinda-sorta played with that idea with the ZAKU Splendor (As well as, of course, the Impulse itself).
I simply took that idea and applied it to the mass-production ZAKU Warrior as well as the GOUF Ignited - the intent being to use that to guarantee Heine's survival.
Antares wrote:You added escape pods to grunt suits? But... that just makes sense! How dare you make endless sacrifices of grunts redundant? :D
Who said that I had? Not counting the Impulse's more sophisticated Core Splendor, the escape pod is a feature that is unique to ZAFT's New Millennium project mobile suits - the ZAKU Warrior and GOUF Ignited (so far - I have yet to decide whether I will include the DOM Trooper). Neither Orb nor the Alliance have this particular advantage.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:22 pm

I still think it's a great idea from your part, to give the grunts a chance.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:21 pm

Yeah. I always wondered why this particular gimmick, which we saw start to crop up in CCA, was not reused in subsequent series more often. That was one thing that I did like about 00's GNZ series.

Anyway, there were a couple I forgot about above, which I just did:
MBF-M1/F Astray Flight Type, which replaces that silly-looking rotor they fitted to the Astray in the series.
And the MBF-M1/LC Astray Littoral Combat Type, which is exactly what it says. A shallow-water-operations, aquatic combat mobile suit.
Once I'm done with the various MS and MA, I'll need to do the ships too. But there's only about five of those to do, so I'm not fussed.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:15 pm

You actually do the renders for this? Forgive me if it's already been asked.
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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Dark Duel
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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by Dark Duel » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:08 am

Mostly not; the only one in which I did extensive rendering myself is the Chaos, which is a custom job cobbled together from GO's lineart of the Chaos MA mode and rendered parts based from lineart of the ProtoChaos
GundamOfficial is the source for 99% of what I use; some of them are just straight reposts or minor recolors of lineart filched from GundamOfficial; The Chaos is a custom job; The Impulse for example, or the Alex Dino Custom version of the Murasame.
Most of the ZAKUs were cobbled together from lineart taken from a variety of sources, including GO and several of the Japanese official sites.
The Astray FT was done by taking the wings off of the Flight-equipped Red Frame and inserting them into the M1, with GO having provided the base lineart for both; the LCT was done with the M1 and Blue Frame aquatic type(from GO) and the DSSD Astray from the official SG site.
Ditto the Impulses - minor recoloring on the Force and Sword, minor editing of the cannons on the Blast. The GOUF Ignited was done by inserting a few select parts from the BABI into the original GOUF Ignited lineart(both from GO), with minor detailing alterations and one recolor.
// ART THREAD // NOT ACCEPTING REQUESTS
// GUNPLA THREAD //

"You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home."

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Re: Gundam Seed: Destiny (Altered)

Post by schwarz ritter » Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:38 am

Oh. I thought you drew the renders on something, using some sort of software.

Nonetheless, great job!
Reinhard: "Of course, grades in school aren't a good indicator. They focus too much on memorization and imitation, and don't foster imagination."
Kircheis: "What you find important are imaginative and conceptual capabilities, right?"
Reinhard: "That's right."

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